Donald Trump thinks a passing compliment he gave about Jeff Zucker to the guy who used to run Time Warner is the reason Zucker got hired to run CNN. Trump thinks he got Zucker his job, so he thinks Zucker should be paying him back by giving him positive news coverage. When that doesn't happen, he takes it especially…

Have you ever actually seen Jeffrey Lord on CNN? Every panel is literally Jeffrey saying some bullshit for 30 seconds, and then six other people calling him a moron for five minutes. I don't think self-respect is in his vocabulary.

Not to defend Fox News, but this particular case does seem so strange as to be… implausible, perhaps? This is just a few days after Gerri Willis discussed her breast cancer at length and stopped wearing a wig.

He's mentioned it in interviews, which I think is a requirement for any would-be "Southern comedian." But he also gets very touchy whenever he gets questioned about why he doesn't talk more about his faith in his act rather than carving out as much time as possible for diarrhea jokes.

That's what your mom said.

The afterlife is just that you remain aware and sentient while being paralyzed in the grave for eternity. What, have you heard something different?

Even Ghoulardi can't make fun of her.

Do you honestly think he has to say anything logical? As long as he says he'll keep the Supreme Court conservative, he can read words from the dictionary in random order.

Make American Great Again… Again!

He can't travel too far, because he has to sleep in his own bed every night. (Seriously, he's slept either at the White House or Mar-a-Lago for all 100 nights of his presidency so far.)

The Hard-Boiled Detective Who, While Trying to Solve a Case, Also Found Love, and It Was an Amazing Thing, Believe Me
by Donald J. Trump
Story by Donald J. Trump
Executive Producer - Donald J. Trump
A Trump Organization Production

They even let them on airplanes now!

…as long as he's listening to Bannon that week.

Cardboard or GTFO.

Their plant has so much sodium, you need a pyrotechnician's license to package Spam.

Diddy.

This is the most important moment in country music since Johnny Paycheck changed his name to Johnny PayCheck.

Now appearing firmly attached to his daughter's bank account… Cyrus!

I thought his name was Armin Tamzarian.

I forget… was he #5 or #11?