There are whole aisles of spaghettis that are to your local Shop-Rite brands, in flavor and texture, what sashimi-grade bluefin is to Bumblebee.

I stared at that picture often, convincing myself that she was the one I might love, that she — thirty-four, a nurse, unattached at that moment — might be open to the romantic idea of me — thirty-nine, married, two sons, half-broke, and mortgaged to a house that was depreciating even then, some seven times zones to…

And so I killed them all with the tips of my fingers, because even more than the ants that ended up in my underwear, the ants that found their way into my wineglass let me know that they wouldn't allow me to get away with anything, least of all mercy.

A guy so desperate, so uncomfortable, so disappointed in virtually everyone else around him that you can't help but root for him — no matter how many people he orders killed, no matter how badly he treats his mistress.

Long ago, one "Machinegun" McGurn ran the joint — the man behind the St. Valentine's Day Massacre who was rumored to "coerce" the talent onto Green Mill's stage.

It's not often that politicians admit mistakes, but the New York State Legislature — along with Gov. David Patterson — recently overturned a ban on kangaroo meat.

But, hell, I'm sure I counted 4.8 million just on my daughter's swing set, which we had to dispense with in part because its steel tubes regularly poured forth ants and ant larvae like sand, and my daughter finally freaked out

Ants have answered the ever-expanding human biomass with an ever-expanding biomass of their own, so that the planet is poised, teetering between its two most successful civilizations — each of which is social, aggressive, expansionist, and well suited for war.

The walls would be shiny with glass cleaner, which, since we were averse to pesticides, was our preferred poison, and the glass cleaner would be in the shape of the funnel clouds of alien invaders that had streamed from the outlets, from the tiny cracks in the walls, from the gaps in the window frame.

Then he attended the marriage of his favorite dwarf, which was attended by more than seventy dwarfs.

By the lighthouse, if you had been standing beneath the revolving green light on that early-September night, in that plague of clouds, you would have heard the horrible grinding sound of some wounded winged creature, listened to it trail out to sea as it came screeching down from the heavens, down through molecule and…

And also because of the way his brain works, Terry necessarily found himself walking into a casino and taking a seat at a blackjack table — the one seat, to the dealer's immediate right, because a weak, pinch-tucking dealer might also show his hole card to that seat more than most — and doing the very things he had…

Three tones means blazing orange heat, black smoke, and poison gas; sirens and lights and steam and great torrents of water; men ripping into walls with axes and long metal spears, smashing windows and cutting shingles from roofs, teetering on ladders a hundred feet long.

People
naturally assume Torrey would enjoy traumatizing cats because he believes that cats make us insane—that they are the leading cause of human schizophrenia.

If
your idea of barbecuing involves marinating a big hunk of pork shoulder in garlic and lime juice, slow-cooking it until it practically melts, hacking it up, and serving it on corn tortillas with chopped onions and cilantro, then you're going to want to wash things down with something a lot tastier than light beer.

The band's sound is, well, what you'd expect: folksy, catchy vocals over kitchen-sink joints that groove with analog keys and out-there sleigh-bells; the sum of its parts, sure, but working with only the highest-quality hinges.

The box was cardboard, the kind you usually get mail-order apples in, but what I saw when I flipped open the flaps was nothing less than a biohazard: a big plastic bag full of lamb hearts, another full of lamb kidneys, and another full of lamb balls, as well as a half dozen little white cardboard boxes, two lamb…

It then deteriorated precipitously upon my learning she had the name of then-boyfriend Brian Austin Green, of Beverly Hills, 90210, tattooed on her pelvis.

Closer they came, closer, and closer still, until the first man was perhaps six feet away from the nearest American prone on the ground, who switched the selector lever on his rifle from safe to semiautomatic, readying it to fire.

Ethan
Siegel, a theoretical astrophysicist at Lewis & Clark College, recently charted a graph to demonstrate that, judging by the incremental progression of the 100-meter world record over the past hundred years, Bolt appears to be operating at a level approximately thirty years beyond that of the expected…