That's nonsense. Obviously, the stovepipe hat was the container for the life support system of the extraterrestrial that was mind-controlling Lincoln, up to that point a mildly successful frontier lawyer, into waging the Civil War so that the widowed women of the nation would have no one to defend them from being…

That's nonsense. Obviously, the stovepipe hat was the container for the life support system of the extraterrestrial that was mind-controlling Lincoln, up to that point a mildly successful frontier lawyer, into waging the Civil War so that the widowed women of the nation would have no one to defend them from being…

I think that he did a little bit better than that; he arguably wasn't as good of an actor as Edwin, depending on his good looks and blatant showboating on stage, but he was financially successful and a celebrity, and in fact used his fame to travel between the North and the South during the war.

I think that he did a little bit better than that; he arguably wasn't as good of an actor as Edwin, depending on his good looks and blatant showboating on stage, but he was financially successful and a celebrity, and in fact used his fame to travel between the North and the South during the war.

True story: there was a guy in Oklahoma in the 1890s who claimed that he was John Wilkes Booth, and had escaped from the barn. After he committed suicide, his embalmed corpse made the rounds of numerous carnivals in the South with people paying to shake the hand of the man who had shot Lincoln.

True story: there was a guy in Oklahoma in the 1890s who claimed that he was John Wilkes Booth, and had escaped from the barn. After he committed suicide, his embalmed corpse made the rounds of numerous carnivals in the South with people paying to shake the hand of the man who had shot Lincoln.

JFK? Might have survived with a few minor impairments, a la Gabrielle Giffords, if the Dallas surgeon hadn't skullfucked him.

JFK? Might have survived with a few minor impairments, a la Gabrielle Giffords, if the Dallas surgeon hadn't skullfucked him.

Robots wake up Lincoln from suspended animation to lead them in armed rebellion against their human enslavers. Lincoln, who was only knocked unconscious by the bullet, and has been rebuilt as a steampunk cyborg by one of Thomas Edison's early inventions, agrees.

Robots wake up Lincoln from suspended animation to lead them in armed rebellion against their human enslavers. Lincoln, who was only knocked unconscious by the bullet, and has been rebuilt as a steampunk cyborg by one of Thomas Edison's early inventions, agrees.

@avclub-be8c0b0f1e53415a099c9d2a7ab103ce:disqus , I'm thinking that "sockdologizing" is a euphemism for "sodomizing".

@avclub-be8c0b0f1e53415a099c9d2a7ab103ce:disqus , I'm thinking that "sockdologizing" is a euphemism for "sodomizing".

It would have been much improved by the addition of the line, "I have the weirdest boner." In no small part because Lincoln would have been doubled over in laughter when Booth pulled the trigger, then straightened up and yelled, "Sic semper a knuckle sandwich, cuntswallop!" and punched Booth right out of the balcony.

It would have been much improved by the addition of the line, "I have the weirdest boner." In no small part because Lincoln would have been doubled over in laughter when Booth pulled the trigger, then straightened up and yelled, "Sic semper a knuckle sandwich, cuntswallop!" and punched Booth right out of the balcony.

Twenty years ago, maybe. Now he's a sad, basset-hound-faced dude who would appear in GANGNAM STYLE: THE MOTION PICTURE in order to chip away at his huge mountain of debt.

Twenty years ago, maybe. Now he's a sad, basset-hound-faced dude who would appear in GANGNAM STYLE: THE MOTION PICTURE in order to chip away at his huge mountain of debt.

Wow. What did he expect? Did someone drag him along to the movie theater and he was just looking for an excuse to leave? Did he hear that an ex-Playmate was in it and was expecting a Skinemax-type flick?

Wow. What did he expect? Did someone drag him along to the movie theater and he was just looking for an excuse to leave? Did he hear that an ex-Playmate was in it and was expecting a Skinemax-type flick?

I thought that a Promise Ring was that thing that Xian kids were supposed to wear that was a visual promise that they would only do oral and anal before marriage.

I thought that a Promise Ring was that thing that Xian kids were supposed to wear that was a visual promise that they would only do oral and anal before marriage.