I see you've played "Knifey/Ugly" before!

( I'm sure he's fine. )

( I know, right…? )

That's the best American version of that song title…
… mine was Australian.

They're not ugly: they're Australian.

"well, one has plenty of money …"

Oh, yeah… especially back in the days when everybody smoked everywhere.

(( Yeah, you know me! ))

Sorry, Haim-ettes, but I'll stick with this one:

I had a hyphen, but it fell from a wire during dress rehearsal.

I had my both my tonsils and my uvula removed: that seems to have helped a hell of a lot with my air flow.

Sleep apnea is a tricky thing: I didn't know I had it until a college girlfriend/sleepover-party pal told me I was gasping for air in the middle of the night (… and not because of her).

You need to put your uncles into a nursing home…
… and not one of the better ones.

Lucky Urinetown
Tenth Avenue Q Freeze Out

It'll close before they finish the sign.

Stevie Van Zandt:
Secretary of Bandannas

Spiderman: Turn Off The Darkness on the Edge of Town

Candy's Room Service

Can't believe there's not a "Transformers" musical on the way…

"Whatever Rosalita Wants"