Phrasing!

Who doesn't have difficulty digesting fecal matter, that's why I stopped eating it

Mitch'um? I haven't even given him a handjob yet!

I bought many an irregular fitting shirt from Weiner's. In a less enlightened time, the joke was that certain fellows shopped at Weiner's and certain ladies bought furniture from Finger's, haha!

Lady Elaine Fairchild's daughter, as portrayed on Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, is a sassy mulatta FWIW

As my enlightened co-worker calls it "Harry Caray" - powerful forearms!!

"Ninth-grade level? Shyeah, more like preschool."

I can say I totally disagreed with what a kid yelled from the back of the theater as Identity's credit roll began:
"STUPIT!"
I also recommend the porno version Identititty

"Treat's Heat - pretty neat!"
Gene Schallit

Once, on a 20/20 type show, a law enforcement officer said "he masturbated himself to orgasm", he might as well have added "in front of an ATM machine"

I prefer jelly

The goatherds knew something was up when they couldn't fall asleep after butt-fucking the goats

Lee Marvin called it "Heinekens"

Cool story, bromine

The LDS are OK with caffeine now, it's like the black people of minor Word of Wisdom infractions.

The stairs are fuuuun!!

Cock-a-noodle-doo!

Does that mean he beats it even more than Ernest Borgnine (did)?

He got the right JJ but the wrong ho-ho

Not the like the Time Traveller's wife, which was largely about cunnilingus