Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2: The Grootening

Health codes are for mudbloods. Clearly this person was the scion of a proud Slytherin family.

I didn't even know there was a "burgeoning feminist werewolf sub-genre."

Some fonts are bigger than others.

He would if you Ask him.

An ill wind is blowing.

This next one is about an asstronaut.

Since Zadie Smith is involved, I assume Pattinson's character will have to cope with the tensions and contradictions of a multicultural alien society.

All Fifty Shades movies smell vaguely of shit.

2 Shades 2 Grey

We Have The Ass And We're Eating Yes

The orphan spies' first assignment is to catch whoever's killing the homeless in Baltimore.

Kentucky is plagued by barbershop quartets.

Apparently Louisiana is the most metal state.

It's called a "Walter Junior" on Urban Dictionary.

That doesn't sound kosher, but it's better than what that dillweed ended up doing.

I can't help thinking of the Mysterious Congressman articles on The Onion, which obviously owe a strong debt to Zorro. Those were my favorite back in 2007:

When will the government realize, it's all about funky sexy ladies?
I like that the version from their album has an extended outro.

And pop an apple in his ass, yeah!

But will he use his pointy nipple antennae to transmit data back to Earth?