You forget the evil men who rode in on the giant oliphaunts. You can tell they're evil by their choice of eyeliner.

He says there's no room for "this kind of violence in America," because of course last week he declared his love for police brutality.

Trump: "We ALL must be united & condemn all that hate stands for."

And poisoned him…

Anyone telling you the Confederate battle flag represents freedom is a lying sack of shit. They're lying to you, and if they genuinely believe it, they're lying to themselves.

It's the suppliers who don't wish to be revealed. They don't want to piss off their other customers. But it's not like they're refusing to provide that info to the FDA or anything.

Trump thinks that all the various officials (Mueller's team, Congress, FBI) investigating election shenanigans are as easily distracted as the press and the public.

It's also in northern Mexico, where it is still pronounced, "H-E-B."

They used to offer salt & pepper blister peanuts which were quite simply the tastiest thing I've ever eaten. But I only ever got to buy one bag, after which they disappeared as though Stalin had gotten angry at them.

I became addicted to Trader Joe's as a whole the first time I was offered one of their cocoa truffles. Also, their blister peanuts are so good that I can no longer enjoy the normal dry roasted peanuts you get everywhere else.

A former coworker had previously worked for Kraft; she was in charge of quality control for Cheez Whiz. It seems you don't want to be in the room where that happens, either.

The Nerdette podcast from Chicago Public Radio is all about the bassoon (the instrument played by Mrs. Smartass) and includes an interview with Rainn Wilson, self-appointed Bassoon King.

Trader Joe's is actually under contractual obligation to not reveal who their supplies are, precisely because they sell some of the exact same products as what can be found at other retailers but at lower prices.

I'm sorry, are you referring to Convicted Felon Dinesh D'Souza?

"I'm obsessed with the political landscape of 1870, so I suspect you are as well!"

I'm convinced that Reagan would have absolutely run for a third term. Bush the Elder represented the moderate wing of the GOP (back when it still existed) and was thus distrusted by the conservative wing. The conservatives, of course, loved the fact that Reagan had lost interest in doing any actual work, and had…

[finishes 16th signature]

We are DEVO.

"Okay, so we can't actually hit Guam because our targeting isn't that good - but we sure as hell can hit the Pacific!"

Also: who needs diplomats when you have Twitter, amirite?