You mean volcanoes don't come with little side entrances, with a lintel and everything?

So whatever happened to Al Franken, anyway? Was he ever able to make something of himself?

Stories like this make me reconsider my position on open carry laws.

Are you sure that's not a feature rather than a bug?

The first car I ever bought on my own spewed thick, white smoke out the tailpipe whenever the engine was cold - which, naturally, was never the case when I took it for a test drive or picked it up from the dealer.

I'm going to go full Kinja. It simply wouldn't do for some poseur to set themselves up as the top smartass around here.

"… whatever the hell they're calling themselves."

Last night I decied to get HARD CORE and I pulled out the cast iron griddle purchased by Mrs. Smartass a few months ago. It was great: I had onions getting sauteed in real lard over the back burner, and a couple hamburger patties getting seared over the front burner.

I'm reminded of the tail end of my retail days, when the attitude of my employer had clearly become, "who cares if we antagonize the customers who've been shopping here for years? We'll just find new, better customers." You'll be shocked to learn that the company declared bankruptcy and disappeared.

You could shorten that list to: "Recite Vague, Meaningless Catchphrases."

Money's money.

I was working in the music department at Borders the day "Candle in the Wind 1997" dropped. The experience was so miserable that I'd pretty much blocked it out of my memory, so thanks-but-no-thanks for reminding me of it.

Almost all of them got slimed pretty good during their respective campaigns. But there's a long tradition of the sitting president leaving his defeated opponent alone. Inevitably, some problems get blamed on the previous administration, but even so, you didn't hear Clinton talking about Bush all the time, or Reagan…

Well, you'd survive the blast of course, and there's a strong chance the fallout would miss you… so you'll do just fine until the army of zombies comes and eats you alive.

Speaking of Trump's evangelical advisory board:

The idea that The President of the United States would only denounce a terror attack after waiting for confirmation of the political leanings of the perpetrators (to see if there's any political hay to be made) is just about the most disgusting, depraved thing I've ever heard from the Trump administration, and that's…

No, it's just a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and the word 'fish' written in in crayon.

He actually has to say that, whether or not it's true, so that our adversaries don't get the idea in their heads that there's some scenario in which they could use WMD against the U.S. but that the U.S. would not then respond in kind. He also left out the part about how there are safeguards in place to make sure that…

Who cares what the state-run media does? All that matters in North Korea is what Kim thinks, since he's the sole command authority of a totalitarian regime. And if there's even the slightest chance that he could misinterpret a public statement from POTUS, we have to assume that he will.

Well, it's a good thing the State Department has an Assistant Secretary for East Asian and Pacific Affairs who can make sure that the DPRK understands exactly what Trump means… oh, wait, I forgot! That position is currently empty because Failing Donnie can't be bothered to do his fucking job.