I thought the same thing. I would never advise anyone to re-open communication with a shitty ex, the truth is, there’s nothing that he can say anyway that makes up for how he behaved.

Nonesense.

Dear Abby?! He’s an Ann Landers guy.

Yet for almost 100 years Donald Duck still doesn’t have any pants.

This is kind of it for me as well. I see a lot of comments about how this woman is clearly being too controlling, but in this case especially we do need to factor in that (a) people will always try to frame themselves in the best possible light, especially in letters like this and (b) this person has already admitted…

I just wasn’t sure if “drugs” 100% meant pot. Smoking one cigarette and one joint shouldn’t be the end of the world (though I wouldn’t date a smoker). And it’s probably pot based on when and where he consumed it. But if it was coke or molly or even mushrooms I could see feeling more upset/betrayed

The smell is terrible, I’ll give you that.

It can’t ever be an unconditional, total takeback. That would just be a group delusion to pretend like nothing happened.

“It has to be a total takeback.”

I have no idea - I guess with covid going into someone’s home for drugs would be beyond the pale? Of course, sharing a joint would be even riskier. “Drugs” is a really vague word, which I think is the LW’s goal. 

I’ve always said that in a real world Galt’s Gulch everyone would die of cholera in the first 90 days because clean water regulations are tyranny 

“Then he changes subjects toward their future plans, specifically the expectations of his behavior (he doesn’t say “I won’t do drugs as a parent,” he says “I’m not to do drugs as a parent,” which is how you phrase a rule coming from outside yourself).”

Yeah, I can imagine a letter from the GF’s point of view and either way I think they should break up. Co-parenting is a disruptive, challenging dimension to add to your partnership at the best of times. If you’re not on solid ground beforehand you sure as shit won’t be once there are kids in the mix.

It’s not completely clear, but the sense I got from the letter is that he was sort of a casual drug user who wasn’t normally doing it on their property (why would they need an agreement for him to stop doing something in a few years if he wasn’t doing it at least occasionally now?) The guy doesn’t sound like a…

Rereading the letter, it’s actually a nice piece of writing. He references the cheating, acknowledges that he fucked up, and make it clear that he considers this to be the source of trust issues that they deal with daily. Then he specifically references two “recent” issues with trust. One of them is very small -…

Exactly - the ages really popped out at me.  She’s been with this guy her whole adult life, and that bears consideration.  But generally, 4 years is a long time, and if they haven’t found a good equilibrium in that amount of time, then it’s time to call it (definitely not time to escalate by having kids).  

Assuming it’s weed (and also come to think assuming that the friend is male) does seem generous. 

Yep, that justification, “I view both of these as being a symptom of the lockdown/pandemic prompting me to break with my “normal” behavior,” is 1000% going to rear up again as soon as they have kids (and probably feature in more than a few other midlife crises, as well).

I bet Murdoc is behind all this. As usual.

The ‘messy/shag’ mullet version :-)