Jack Burton is not the hero, he is the sidekick. Wang is the hero. That's kind of the heart of the movie, which will undoubtedly be missed in the remake.

Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake.

If they did this correctly, with Johnson playing the oblivious sidekick-who-thinks-he's-the-hero, it could be entertaining. I think he could pull it off.

I would like to be a vehicle for Milla Jovovich.

Jealous much?

"The real culprit, though, is the font. That’s some of the worst, most aggressively ’90s font I’ve ever seen. It’s the kind of tacky disaster only the dawn of digital graphic design could spawn…"

Years ago, there was a guy who worked at a Jason's Deli near me, and his nametag read "Bong." Big black dude with dreadlocks.

I felt weird when she let her boob out.

Ixnay on the obersay. Dude drinks like a fish.

"Is there AIR, buddy? You don't know, pal!"

Oh god. I call my son 'buddy' and 'pal.'

Mostly serious. There's still a lot to like and be impressed with in the original film, so the 'meh' might be a bit too dismissive. But I still vastly prefer III. The sheer atmosphere of dread that it manages to bring out with very simple scenes if brilliant, and of course it has one of the best jump scares of all…

Meh. It's no Exorcist III.

Still. Playing second-fiddle… still.

While the inclusion of Rondo as Lothar was technically from the comic book, I also loved that they used the character in the film. And that's a neat bit of trivia about the mask, though when it's onscreen it still makes me cringe a bit.

You mean no love for a bad latex Rondo Hatton mask?

We mention her daily in our inside voice.

This just in - "strong-willed" is an acceptable euphemism for "large-breasted."

Come on guys, returnofkings.com is a parody site. This isn't REAL.

"Also, his guitar is a flamethrower."