Because Michael Bay is too busy staring at Megan Fox's tits.

But then my MIIIIIND had babies and got stretch marks!

I've held for a while that if Overdrawn at the Memory Bank had been made by someone with a working knowledge of cyberpunk and a budget higher than an episode of Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?, it might have had a chance.

Bob Johnson! No, wait.

Oh my God, my waffle! Oh, the humanity!

I'm your pilot, Claude Reins, with my co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit.

"What do you enjoy, Trumpy?"
"Food. Eating. The theatre."

Certainly you mean SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!?

There is a heavy undercurrent of sex in horror, yeah, especially when you put on the critical thinking lenses. The Thing is a metaphor for AIDS (maybe even cancerAIDS). The Exorcist is the story of how two men, both members of a patriarchal institution, use ancient wisdom to drive unsavory urges such as masturbation…

I'll also add this note - yes, before the whole "bitten by a werewolf" thing was created by Hollywood, folklore said one of the ways a person could become a werewolf was if they drank rainwater from the footprint of a wolf. Then again, there are some elements of folklore that are too damn goofy to be taken seriously…

I admit. I binged on it. Got about six episodes in. Mainly because I was hoping it would reach some American Horror Story Season 1 level of bonkers. But no, it didn't. Oh, it TRIED - channeling scenes involving maggots, cutting during sex, a Romani woman pretending to be a Babylonian temple prostitute, a girl making…

Did I mention his best friend is a talking pie?

Man, you said all that, and you left out the bit where he's cured by the love of Jesus Christ? Talk about burying the lede.

If your movie needs to have its plot explained by Art Bell, it should be a gigantic warning sign that you have lost it. And yet…

TINA! BRING ME THE AXE.

Best Worst Movie has the fucking amazing bit where they track down the filmmakers - who still think they made a work of art. The director says the movie says great things about "life, death, eating" and the screenwriter admits her major impetus for making it was that her vegetarian friends were pissing her off.

"Man, everybody got AIDS and shit!"

Or, to put it differently, like a hipster who never served wearing a Bronze Star over a Fiery Furnaces T-shirt.

A, you're probably not —
— and B through Z, nobody gives a shit.

"Give me all the plot and contrivance that you have."