Total Bummer!
They never had these free glass promotions in the UK. Whatta gyp! My dreams of huge compensation claims for mental and physical retardation must now rest on the free glassware my dad used to get with every four gallons of petrol (or 'gas' as you folks across the pond insist on calling it).

And another thing…
Aside from the emptiness at its core, this tawdry remake manifestly failed to offer any supplementary treats like the mesmerising performance turned in by the rare & collectible Ms Laurie Zimmer. Her light burned briefly but incandescently.

Plus, he's still raking it in from his licencing deal with Crocs footwear.

Frankly, it's the third Croc movie he should be in the dock for. Multi-million dollar tax evasion is a misdemeanour compared to that monstrous crime against the filmgoing public.

Indeed. There must be a better way to leverage his massive presence and limited skill-set.

Hey, Peter…
Do a remake of THE FURY. Go on. You know you want to! A frame for frame reconstruction with modern hairstyles. Ian McShane can take your dad's part, with Hayden Christensen as the son, Johnny Depp in the Cassavetes role, Nathan Lane standing in for Charles Durning and Amy Adams replacing Amy Irving. How…

Plunder the Archives!
Why go to all the effort of creating new episodes? Far better to re-animate all those classic early episodes (seasons 2-12 or thereabouts) in super-glorious 21st century widescreen hi-def. It'll be way cheaper because they won't have to pay the voice talent, and I'm sure the writers can knock up…

Glass, Pine & Reznor
As excellent as the KOYAANISQATSI soundtrack is, I think POWAQQATSI just pips it in terms of entertainment value and staying power. Generally speaking, I prefer a soundtrack album that integrates snippets of dialogue and location sound with the music. ANGEL HEART and NATURAL BORN KILLERS both do…

Denzel
Denzel's problem is that he's lost his stranglehold on the 'non-threatening black man in a serious role' casting assignments. There's a lot of competition in that corner of the market nowadays from Don Cheadle, Jamie Foxx, and at least half the cast of The Wire. He should either ugly up and go for the…

Lenny The Wonder Dog
My daughter turned me on to this film when it was in heavy rotation on UK cable a couple of years ago. She'd watched it earlier in the day and insisted that I join her for a second viewing. As she's always been a sucker for any film with a cute talking dog in I wasn't expecting much, but five…

Not As Good As The Book
If you haven't read the original novel, don't let the fact that it has a thick card selling 'dianetics' bound into the middle put you off.