I went with an old friend to see Tool recently. Was really into them from early middle school through all of high school. Eventually, I started using the excuse of "…well, I only listen to them because of Danny Carey … the rest of the band sucks." I pretty much stopped listening after 10,000 Days came out.

It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Did the marching band kids beat you up at your conservatory?

"Hey [insert kid's name]: your horn angle is looking a little 'French'"

I believe he also played a guy named Lysol in a Chapelle's Show sketch.

Vodka + Fresca … It's called something else, but I always refer to it as a Troy McClure.

I hope that half-Jabba the Hutt/half-Ed Asner-looking motherfucker loses and gets kicked in the balls by a hippy.

After the Castile verdict in MN this week, I learned the NRA's stance on "responsible gun ownership" is "be a white gun owner."

That's retorted.

I knew Kalanick was worse the the usual tech CEO, but that Dollop episode goes into great detail on how fundamentally awful Uber truly is.

[a terrified intern barges into a meeting room full of editors]

Remember kids: the only way to experience life's adventures is to not have any biological parents.

Not enough of the horn part in this version.

You got that right.

Too many muscles.

Forgot to include the caption for one of the photos:

C'mon, I think it's adorable.

If there are any in your area, hit up an old school meat market and see what they got for uncooked brats.

That's true, but a lot of Russians see him as something of a Salvador.

When are we gonna get to the fireworks factory Russian hookers?!