I just flew through a bunch of newswires, and boy are my puns tired!

I want to let everyone know my company in San Francisco is testing a mesh network that lets you post to Disqus via semaphore. All of your comments will be flagged.

Based on a catch phrase by Jim Carrey.

They could stand to improve. The renewal should have been for at least four more seasons.

And the herpes.

No, no, it's the diabetes. I recommend diabetes to all my friends.

It's European!

Oh god, a Chuck Lorre version of Roots…

Thanks, Poindexter.

TV is starting to make me hate nerds.

He'd have to, wouldn't he?

Gekko might be too high of a standard now. I just saw Robert Reich's post about Johnson Controls renouncing its U.S. corporate citizenship.

But look at the fat ones' peepers. They're plotting. They're plotting and they're planning. And they're planning and they're plotting. Just look at their peepers.

Televised sports are part of a wider conspiracy against us.

She already landed a new leaf.

[In the future. Amazon Prime is playing behind two men.]

I thought it was a $5 upgrade from Immigration Services.

On the plus side, it raises the market value of my previous viewings.

The women who showed their boobs turning out to be prostitutes is also taken from a real life incident, video of which can also be found online.

They got 110% pork in ham. We're through the percentage looking glass here, people.