Why is this even a story? What kind of idiot thinks it's okay to change shit-filled diaper in the middle of a restaurant?!

So basically, she dances through a field of horse shit. That's her shtick?

She doesn't look like Barbie.

Personally, I prefer "roo-too-tootiest."

Hey. We're allowed to say she looks like a goat because she DOES look like a goat. A goat with a frozen face and one empty expression. This comes from a lifetime of posing. That's actually all she does. POSE.

My ex husband was like the coffee dude. I was once out of town on business and he decided to cook his own dinner from a cookbook recipe. He called me at my hotel and asked if we had any "attractive ramekins." I said hell no, use Pyrex cups. He wouldn't tell me what he was making. The following day I asked how the…

My ex-husband would ask for ketchup at any steakhouse in America, bar none. Once at the Pump Room in Chicago in the late 1970s the chef bolted out the kitchen with a tray of alternate sauces and said, "No no no, sir. We have no ketchup. Please try one of these instead." I wanted to crawl under the table. You don't…

Not only am I an extremely "plus" sized woman, I also have extremely "plus" sized feet. The Internet is the only answer. I wonder I should have an affair with my UPS guy; he's here more than my husband (just kidding).

SOCKS?

I agree. That's why I shop online.

Seriously. Why should anybody give a shit about these people?

I'd like to invite Joe Biden to breakfast.

And it's even DIMPLED! Is that an adorable little face, or what?

Dumbo?

I think Kim's big problem is she never wears clothes that actually fit her. Everything is so goddamn tight I'm surprised she can breathe.

I'm old. What's Gossip Girl?

This photo might change your mind. Look at the expression on his face.

The irony of this product is just amazing. I mean, if you're rich enough to buy a $50 bottle of fucking nail polish, why wouldn't you just go to a salon for a professional manicure?

I don't know how old you are, but I even remember when we could smoke on airplanes. Hell, I remember when we could smoke in HOSPITAL ROOMS!

This story will make me sound really old, but ... back in the early 1980s I treated myself to three different shades of Chanel powdered blush in pretty compacts with brushes. THEY LASTED 18 YEARS. The powdered blush was so hard-milled it didn't even break when I dropped the compact on concrete (more than once). Best…