I like to imagine that the Ruby Tuesday story ended with the bro’s date leaving with the server, as the rest of the customers in the restaurant applaud. Roll credits.

Rubio definitely seems like the biggest threat to the Democrats. Trump’s strategy of not saying anything specific won’t cut it in the general. Most people aren’t convinced by “I’m going to do such a good job, I promise.” Listening to Carson will eventually lull his supporters into irreversible comas. Fiorina would…

Be sure to practice your denials for when you’re confronted with that exact quote. “I never said that. Your audio and video recordings are biased.”

Not really. You just need to win the elections that put you in office when the census is taken, and then be absolutely shameless in your methods of staying there.

5,996 gallons per DAY? Jesus, I hope that was a typo.

How about, The Lions Rule 2015 Edition, since it seems like they get screwed by something like this every single year.

“My fucking packs of fucking almonds have to fucking say ‘contains fucking almonds’. God fucking damn it.”

The Tigers have the somewhat reasonable excuse that their pitching staff was a steaming pile of garbage from day one. You can’t expect a team to win much when their rotation is one great pitcher (Price, then Verlander), a good pitcher who caught the home run bug this season, a guy who was traded for because he had two…

It’s not just you. If someone told me it was a PS2 game, I wouldn’t have questioned that.

Tony seems like an overly serious kid who was grouped with the class clowns for a school project. “Come on, guys, quit screwing around, this is super important. I don’t want to get in trouble.”

Depends on the store. Meijer in Michigan has the small self checkouts with a 12 item limit. They also have self checkouts that are the size of a normal lane, belt and all. Unlimited items there. You scan the item, put it on the belt, and bag everything when you’re done (there’s a divider so the next person can start…

And just LOOK at that ERA. He hasn’t lost a game all year.

Tell us more about the dating scene at the library, old timer.

Absolutely true. I got dozens of “hi”s, or “how are you?”s in my online dating days. I used to just not respond, but eventually got bored of that, so I’d respond back. A “hi” got a “hi” in return. A “how are you?” got a “fine, you?” in return. A wink got an email that said “wink”. It worked sometimes - they’d respond…

As a Tigers fan, the Nats are more than welcome to Brad Ausmus (and frankly, I have a bone to pick about that “most disappointing team in baseball” comment).

The entire NFC North is.

“The NFC’s playoff was just a cascading shitshow. The Cowboys fuck the Lions. The Packers fuck the Cowboys. The Seahawks fuck the Packers. The Patriots fuck the Seahawks.”

His daughter Jerri could not be reached for comment.