... there came a tapping at the glass
and quothe the big bear:
“WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET SOME REAL GODDAMN WEIGHT MACHINES IN HERE AND CHRIST THE SMOOTHIE BARISTA ONLY SERVES UP RAW STEAKS, WHICH, FINE, WHATEVER, BUT LORD HOW ABOUT A BANANA EVERY NOW AND THEN?”

I can clearly see she’s given at least two.

Nothing will ever meet the madness of The Dress. My husband straight-up called me a liar over that shit.

Also, it is now a thing to match nail polish to shoes? I cannot live up to this level of scrutiny.

You ever hear somebody lie to someone on the phone and they be lying SO smooth that you’re like, DAMN, and forever look at them askance? This happened to me with someone I emphatically trust, but...now..damn...I don’t know..

Plus! Plus! If you read through the actual transcript, all three of these kids seem incredibly brave and willing to stand up to the judge (WHO IS SUCH A FUCKING BULLY IT’S UNREAL) and to their dad, who is just standing there, not doing shit. At one point, after the 15-year-old is taken away, the 9- and 10-year-olds…

Yeah, but did your mom’s diaphragm look like a little purple whale, or a tiny bathtub?

Ron Swanson and Tammy 2

They are super adorable! “Supposedly” (aka rumors that should be taken with a big grain of salt)... is that there was some kind of hot love quadrangle between carrie, her ex St. Vincent, Cara Delevigne, and Taylor Schilling for a while but that they all have moved on by now and settled with their new partners.

Ugh. Are there ANY long-term Hollywood couples to root for anymore?

DANGER.

If my partner talked about our sexual relationship in a very public setting I don’t think we’d still have a relationship. Russell needs to keep his mouth shut, so does everyone else.

And so sayeth the Lord, don’t throw it whilst thou has time on the clock and Beast Mode in Thy Huddle.

Uhhh, if someone is trying to pass you and you aren’t moving over, you are doing it wrong. Sure, ideally you won’t have to slow down at all, but holding someone up just because you don’t want to hit cancel on your cruise control is a dick move.

What baffles me more are those who hog the left lane, happily driving at or below the speed limit, and then floor it when someone goes to pass them on the right. What in that person’s life makes them so miserable or whatever enough to feel as though they need to police everyone else on the road, and how do they not…

J-A-I-L-O

“EAT YOUR SHAME CREATIONS IN SOLITUDE LIKE THE REST OF US, FREAK!”*

Some of these customers really need to learn when to keep stuff private. Like raw cake batter...whip up a cake mix and eat it at home. Hell, a lot of the brownie batter doesn’t make into the pan when I bake. Want to suck straight caramel sauce out of the jar or bag? Do so at home, treat yo self. You can even find…

It’s like on How I Met Your Mother when Robin runs into her high school boyfriend from Canada and falls for him all over again, even though he’s super lame.

Bahh, I hate fan vote. Adam Jones should be a lock starter in AL OF.