Oh, Ashton. Never change. Never change.

BUT CAMPBELL'S IS MUCH CHEAPER

If you have abdominal surgery you have to eat soup for weeks. WEEKS!

I've had this dream!

no, this is definitely already a thing in the nineties.

Oh, I don't know... I might spring for an interrobang nipple ring.

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!

I may or may not still pretend to do this. I also may or may not pretend to do the following every time I go to the beach...

Ariel? Suck?

DO NOT GOOGLE LADYCOCKS!

There's no intention for it to be offensive.

Psssst! is my favorite! I'm so glad this article didn't say it was making hair fall out.

Also my spellchecker tried to change that to "Frankel-potatoes," which is what I think Bethenny uses to make Skinnygirl vodka.

That's right. You can fuck the fuck right off with your damned "franken-potatoes." I'll take my potatoes with a side of fuckin' cancer like god intended.

Haven't the Duggars done this once? If not, it seems likely to happen one of these days.

Er... what "recent stuff." I mean, he's been doing publicity, so he must have something out? But I can't for the life of me figure out what it is!

Listen to the forgotten beatle! AZO Standard until you can get to the doctor and dark underwear until then was going to be exactly my advice. Signed, a frequent UTI sufferer.