This is why we can't have nice fucking things. Manicured perfect, cookie-cutter lawns are fucking ugly resource wasters. Also, air conditioning, I fucking hate air conditioning. I have to carry a sweater like a goddamn grandma around with me because everyone thinks that any temperature above 70 is inhospitably…

I would totally start calling her Bud.

My aunt and uncle wanted me to be the flower girl in their wedding, and I, 3 or 4 at the time, said "Kids don't belong in weddings!" So I wasn't in the wedding. That was my only chance, and I guess I blew it.

"As a Jew, and as someone who has been raised to always support Israel (which, according to my parents, is my spiritual home, although I have never been)"

I don't understand how this is neglect. She's 9, not 3. She's in fourth grade. Didn't we play alone outside in parks when we were 9? Without cell phones, even? Home for dinner at dark, that kind of thing? And we think it's better to put this girl in foster care than let her play in a nearby park with a cell phone?

I see personality quizzes the same way I see astronomy: gazing out into an unknowably vast darkness and realizing with slowly spreading terror that the very same infinite nothingness is reflected back upon your very soul.

This. It's pretty much common knowledge that Groupon customers are the WORST. They want as much as they possibly can for as little as they can possibly pay and they are never satisfied. They don't tip and they're not loyal because they're moving on to the next deal. Also, they get confused about the actual value of…

I completely get this. My parents even told me they wonder sometimes if they abused me and don't remember, because they, too, really don't understand why I don't just...LOVE them. Like, doting, intimate, can't-function-without-contact love. And I too fear that when the day comes, I won't be able to handle it.

I am sitting here alone with my brain, and my brain is telling me that 12 out of 18 is not 75%.

Get off... My, lawn?

We will not be doing this sort of thing anytime soon. Do they have an old fat pug camp that involves lazing about all day? Cause you know, once you reach a certain age, you've earned it.

Here's the other reason I did a Foods That Should Not Exist: since this is the column that landed me this job, and a trip out of the nightmare that is the food industry, I thought it only fitting that my last full feature as a Recruit (other than next Monday's BCO) be a probably-overdue edition of Foods That Should…

Don't judge her father in parenthesis like that. You're nobody to that family.

PLASTIC ALLERGY

Bubbles for all the students would solve all problems. No need for sunblock, get transition lens bubbles. No need to worry about perfume or peanuts or anything else! Keep their own Advil in their own bubbles. No PDA, who cares about dress code because kids will be barely visible through their bubbles, plus, what's any…

I have to tell you all - I'm an attorney here in Reno, and I know Marilyn. Her ads are completely over-the-top and she knows it. It's just an untapped market that she knows how to target. Plus she is extremely active in local charities that support underprivileged young women. I really don't care for her ads or her…

An oldie but goodie:

Oh my God you are just adorable. I'm going to go eat some salami to celebrate how adorable you are.

I support rolling tips into the menu. I don't eat out a lot, but I don't recall ever having bad service. I don't tip less if service is slow because the place is busy, and I treat a slight mistake in an order as a slight mistake and not a personal affront. The only people I know who routinely complain about bad…