You want us to learn new skills? What? Look, I took this job as a phonograph repairman and I demand that this job stay high paying and relevant for 50 years. But those kids who get impractical degrees like art history are idiots and deserve to be jobless.

What I started doing with my brother, who never met an insane conspiracy theory he didn’t love, is just leaning way in to it and agreeing with him until the premise looks ridiculous.

Teachers need to be allowed to teach. That’s what it comes down to. The American school year and school day is already shorter than it is in most countries, because we don’t want to pay, as a society, for kids to receive the contact hours with teachers that they actually need. And from the already limited hours of…

At some point someone’s got to snap. “It’s depressing how willfully ignorant you all are. It’s appalling that you’re allowed to vote.”

Yes, the mere act of identifying a fucking moron is the ultimate condescension because we should respect their feefees while they disrespect our rights

There is a T-Shirt my hubby wants for Christmas that says “Science is not a Liberal Conspiracy.” on the front.

I seriously don’t know how to fight something like this.

Right? Oh, am I an intellectual elitist because I like facts? Well, so be it then.

Would have been nice if CNN et al. would have been this incredulous and condescending to Trump himself, who is exactly as loony as these folks but now has actual power to act in reaction to conspiracy theories.

But liberals are smug and condescending when they point out these people are idiotic fucknuts.

Settle down. They’re refusing to sell them supplies, not giving them free blankets.

I’d spend six weeks sucking royal dick and get my gay ass some of that royal ass.

Is this not a paid position? Because the whole “old money white aristocrats seek unpaid laborers from Caribbean islands; will provide food and shelter” thing is a little played out.

When my first nephew was a baby, I would tell him “You’re a better man than I am Gunga Din,” and it would always make him smile. As he started learning people’s names, he seemed to be taking a long time to learn mine. Then one day my sister-in-law says, “I think he thinks you’re Gunga.” Once she pointed it out, we…

I mean, shit— steampunk came & went some fifteen years ago. These brosephines are like SO late to the party.

If I knew the family, I’d insist on calling the child Balki. It’s a lot closer than Bo. But then they’d probably refuse to speak to me, and we’d become Perfect Strangers.

Balthazar? BALTHAZAR? God, I hate hipsters.

This might be the most hipster paragraph ever:

At least she’s honest.

Picturing Liz Hurley sitting sadly, watching her family eat pizza, while eating a dry piece of toast and a parrot mocking her intermittent moments of joy maybe one of the funniest things I’ve done today.