I like to walk into stores, say, "Big mistake. Huge." to the first sales person I see, then just walk out.

Now I'm thinking of strippers with artisanal cheeses adhered to their nipples and it's the first time I've been interested in going to a strip club.

Put a bird on it.

This is the kind of realpolitik I can get behind! "Strip clubs and sex work exist, and these places are legal. Time to quit keeping them in some nebulous wonderland where we can pretend they don't have real world concerns. Anybody feel like being an adult today?"

They hire those same exact actresses from the shopping scene too.

You can't tell me there's not a perfectly clean rent boy who can be had for a reasonable fee.

Funny, I always imagined this happening in Tampa first.

Thank you, and thanks to your husband.

My husband used to be USD auditor. The kind of guy that goes into places and makes sure L&I and state taxes were being paid by the employer.

It's not like they're poor people feet! They're glorious rich people feet.

Chris Hardwick interviewed Sasha Grey on The Nerdist podcast and she seemed like someone I'd enjoy being friends with (Although we definitely wouldn't being up her porn career because she seemed to be seriously over it and two valleys away)

I am closing in on 50 and have never understood the appeal of this movie. I always hoped for a sequel set five years down the road. Just picture the couple dining at the club. The Mrs. thinks oh I will order the escargot to remind him of when our love was new. And hahaha I will let the buttery shell pop into the air.…

For 100k you should get to bang on top of the piano—twice—and then take the piano home with you.

Why does "shoeless" get quotation marks? Am I behind on the cool-kids lingo and missing something here?

Do I get to bang on top of the downstairs lounge piano? Cuz I'm not into it unless I get to bang on top of the downstairs lounge piano.

*raises hand*

*raises hand*

And the ones that aren't clueless are straight up sociopaths

I was just going to say that everyone I've met from Andover smokes a hell of a lot of pot... Amongst other things.

sewing his pajama bottoms closed

Step 4: Make sure to smash your middle finger into your dress right before it dries.