While we’re still unsure of the facts

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world:

That didn’t seem to go According to plan.

People saying this is convenient or a conspiracy are idiots. Seriously.
1 - Because it’s not convenient for two reasons: Cap recapture and losing one of the team’s best players, a guy who would be team captain in maybe any other team except the Penguins.
2 - People with no medical knowledge have absolutely no idea how…

GTFO

SINCE A CANADIAN TEAM WON’T WIN THE CUP FOR NOW THE 24TH STRAIGHT SEASON, LET US GO TO GREAT LENGTHS TO REMIND YOU THAT THE MAJORITY OF THE PENS ROSTER IS COMPOSED OF CANADIANS. SO WE WILL NOW TELL YOU THE HOMETOWN OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. PLUS, “KELOWNA” IS FUN TO SAY.

I mean, we all know it’s a second-rate trophy. Why else does the league send Bill Daly out there with it, when Gary Bettman could be out there gaining sustenance from the booing two more times every year?

Um, if it had nothing to do with the city, then why is the T-Rex short for Torontosauras Rex, idiot.

Volvo screwed up. We weren’t supposed to see the 2019 Volvoman until at least this fall.

I think this is great, because it will ensure that there are less kids in the theatres without jungle gyms.

They still are lethal in many cars. This is just Volvo being Volvo.

Smell the menstruation! C’mon! C’mon! Feel it! Feel it!

Also, our menses attract bears.

Plus, how the hell are they going to run up and down the sidelines with high heels on?

So if we wind up with a Washington vs. San Jose Stanley Cup final, how can they both choke themselves out of winning the series?

I say this as an OSU alum and diehard fan, but I fucking love Jim Harbaugh. He’s great for college football - he’s a vibrant and eccentric weirdo that it is hard to not find endearing. He’s like a mix between a psychopath and a labradoodle. And you know what? I don’t think he’s ever leaving Michigan, at least for…

This is why I come to Jalopnik.

Fold, don’t wad. You can get away with two squares this way with halfway decent TP.

Sorry, Drew, but I don't care how well you did. I'm not going to trust someone who got handwriting lessons from Christy Brown.