Does “now boyfriend” know about the bathtub carbonite insert?

Home field advantage. 

That move is...

That’s not a power move, it’s a “marry me now” move.

being friends with a bartender is a hack!

“I just had to gesture to the bartender who brought him his drink.”

That’s a solid move! 

Butter Distribution Etiquette, obviously.

“It’s just ‘G’ now, Jack. I sold the ‘E’ To Samsung. They’re Samesung now.”

Im not disagreeing with you but you can still hate him for what he did AND feel compassion for his family at the same him. Vanessa was with him since they were 17 and she lost her daughter too. Kobe may have been a piece of shit but I feel for what his family is going through right now 

This is prose-cursing on the level of Veep. Made me chuckle.

“I’ve never been attracted to him before and wouldn’t want anything to happen between us again, anyway, even if the kiss was hot.”

One of my closest friends kissed me while very drunk, told his female partner, and now he’s not allowed to see me anymore, even in group settings.

Also that suit is not fucking coral. Coral is a shade with orange undertones. While JayZ is wrong that his suit is mauve, he’s at least right that his pink suit in toward the blue/violet side of the pink spectrum than the orange/peach.  Not enough to classify as a mauve, but miles away from coral.

I think every heterosexual woman has been in at least one relationship with the guy who had to be the smart/talented/funny one in the relationship, and she was demoted to “biggest fan”.  *raises hand*

“I definitely don’t want anything in that weird drawer of what is clearly leftover from previous hook ups.”

Things to put in a Lady Drawer(may or may not be based on actual experience) wipes of all sorts-unscented, scrunchies- because saying “Ow, my hair!” is not romantic, snacks, handtowel (for the wet spot), unopened toothbrushes, extra contacts case, phone charger, electrolyte replacements(leg cramps can happen), variety…

The first few after Twin XL should have a single figure on it that signifies “Single, but optimistic.”

Jillian Michaels strikes me as being so tiring to be around, and it has nothing to do with workouts. She’s like an onion of self-hate; it’s just so many layers. And then she projects that on to everyone around her. Self-hate is tiring.