but but...THE UNWARRANTED CONFIDENCE!! THE ABILITY TO WALK DOWN THE STREET WITHOUT FEELING ON DISPLAY!

No one’s as irrationally confident in their looks as fat white dudes. Like, they’re always the loudest critics of other people’s looks, particularly women’s.

The day that I can read the news without having to come across the name Donald Trump will be one of the happiest days of my life.

My two year old runs to the terrace every morning and screams in his thick Queens accent, “Get atta hea!” at the pigeons as if it’s always the first time. Ah, toddlers. Ah, city kids.

Last year I volunteered at the community garden outside the public school in my neighborhood. When we pulled up the carrots, I swear, those kids were about to faint from the surprise. “THEY GROW IN THE DIRTS!” “WHAT ELSE IS UNDER THERE?” “IS THERE CANDY?!”

Oh my god, I just can’t. Look at his face! This will never get old

When I dropped my kid off at school today, all the kids on the playground were standing around a toad. Marveling at it, breathlessly amazed, all of them, like as if the toad were breathing fire. When my daughter saw this (very average sized, not at all extraordinary) toad, she shouted “WOOooooowwww!” like she had…

Balloons are Having A Year!

Well he did cheat, by making an account in the first place, and talking to them the way he did. And I don’t believe all of them were employees since he had met at least one in person before as indicated by the messages. The fact that he made an account on that website at all is enough for me to change my view of him…

I learned diving and flips in the pool next door (My parents were actively trying to kill me, I swear) Sadly, every time i went in my bottoms noped out of the dive so I spent my entire time diving and mooning my mother and my uncle.

I totally understand why you married her

My first jury trial, my front hook bra unhooked when I reached for something, and it quickly snapped back and got hung up under my arms. I just buttoned my jacket and kept going. At the next break, I pulled it off in the bathroom and tried to ignore the horrible feeling of near-nakedness. We won, and over drinks my…

Took a swimming class at the park district, age 13, basically a frizzy ball of embarrassment who’d sprouted C-D cups basically overnight. The teachers were gorgeous hunks from the high school. My swimsuit, some secondhand POS that my mom had scrounged. One-shoulder, with a tie fastening on that one shoulder.

Not me, exactly but the two women walking toward me in a sporting good store. That was the moment when the zipper on my sport bra gave up the game completely and unzipped so fast I could not even react. Both sides of this stupid bra pop out of the sides of my summer dress like weird ass wings and oh boy, did I wish I…

Drying Rack O’ Dildos! That’s great!

My wife has an extensive dildo collection. When we first started dating (early 20s) she would wash them in the kitchen and just keep them in the drying rack. I said “you know, why don’t you dry them in the tub behind the curtain or something”. She said “cause nobody visits my apartment but you”. Fast forward a few…

I was riding my big wheel through a hotel my dad was looking after during off season(so he could write a book) and i came up to a room, where i shit you not, some guy in a dog suit was giving head to another guy. they both became aware of my presence and i fled. this was the 80s, before furries, mind you.

Someone I was sort of dating in college, and who I thought I was madly in love with, sent ‘me’ a very romantic email. I was like “it’s happening! he loves me too!” and then I noticed that he had addressed it to another woman’s name. Huge heartbreaker.

When I was a senior in high school we took a school trip to France where we stayed in homestays with French high school students whom we had occasionally emailed over the course of a year. Mine was very sweet, but was evidently a bit of an outcast at her school. All of the other French kids with their American…

I couldn’t figure out why a mustache was so upsetting... you mean porn stash! :)