Oh, come on, no you don’t. It sounds all fine and well to say you want to drink their tears, but those tears taste like Miller Lite, cigarettes, and their sister.

I can do that.

Kudos to everyone on twitter who sat on their asses like slugs, wiped the potato chip crumbs from their hands onto their sweatshirts, and took a moment to criticize Biles’ landing.

As a woman with coarse/curly hair EVERYWHERE, I’m pretty sure if I tried this level of waxing my crotch would eventually resemble a hyper-pigmented angry scrub brush.

Since he is a man, there’s a 100% chance he flexed, lol. They can’t help themselves.

The real question is why on earth would he forever stretch the cuff of a nice sweater to get it all the way up his arm - just take the sweater off!

So any Florida body of water? 

I’m sure Florida will pass a “No Demings” law within the next two weeks.

Dude murdered his wife, so he could vote in her name and blame Democrats.

“I just couldn’t see myself having a beer with her.”

“The Supreme Court doesn’t matter in the long run” or “quit trying to hold my vote hostage.”

If all the murderer votes had been properly counted, Trump would have surely won.

“But Hilary just didn’t INSPIRE me to vote."

“I have been saying from the beginning we have well-trained police officers.”

Your career should end if people that would be in your workplace feel unsafe around you and feel like you are a danger to others, or merely that you are a predatory sex-pest creep. In the lives of normal people your career can be ended because your boss doesn’t like your shoes, for some reason somebody who makes…

C’mon guys, this isn’t how you construct an AV Club headline! Let me help:

A good shower takes at most maybe 15 mins, you funky ass peckerwood.

Thoughts and prayers for those investigators.   They’ll have seen things...

So how ‘bout this weather we’re having, eh?