Hazel,

Please. It’s just ‘shroom envy.

Pretty sure finger banging an ATM is also illegal, tho.

SMALL CLAMS COURT

If one more parent puts his/her four year old on the phone to order pizza from me I’m gonna lose it. Your stupid kid doesn’t know your phone number, address, or how to say “raddichio,” yuppie parent.

Yeah, the server is doing you a favor by not bringing you that shit.

I agree that the kid ordering for everyone would be annoying as hell and there’s no need for it. When they were younger we did encourage the kids to order for themselves. Learning how to ask for what you want, politely, is an abundantly necessary life skill.

Cool Dad, who looked chill at first, wants his 4-year-old to order for the whole family.

Quite a scoop for them to get Donald Trump to submit the first question for this column.

I just really need a side of ranch promptly because there’s literally no point to eating anything without it.

Again, homes should be built to withstand how people use them. People drained pasta 35 years ago, too, and plumbing not being able to withstand boiling water is just plain stupid.

Christ. I have two rants against Soylent.

That’s a bummer, but I have to ask...is there some reason you thought that hellish sounding mixture was going to taste good? Or even not horrible?

Back when we were dating, my now-wife invited me to her family’s house for Easter. I don’t remember if this was our first or second holiday together, but it was definitely relatively early in the relationship. It was a big brunch, and her mom didn’t have enough space on the stove for all the bacon, so her brother…

Sorry - no photo - but attempting to make a hollow white chocolate sphere - following very explicit directions from the internet (so it must be true) by dipping a latex balloon into the molten white chocolate. The ensuing explosion left little blobs of white chocolate in places you can’t even imagine!

I assumed it was just general "Mom Jealousy" when she kept referring to the ugly, bald competitor baby.

I can't believe your kid lost to that goblin. That's some bullshit right there.

Meh I agree, and I'm not even going to pretend it's NOT because I agree that the other baby wasn't as attractive. She should have at least got best hair because okay, even if you're going to jude on poise and stage presence - she does at least have hair.

I love you for doing this and it really is a travesty that you didn't at LEAST win Best Hair and Best Costume. On the plus side, now you have pics of your daughter and husband in Judge Judy attire and I know there can't be anything that would make you happier! Also, your daughter is the cutest thing I've ever seen but…