Ya better calllllll Tyrone (call him)
And tell him come on, get your CARRIAGE

Close your eyes, and give me your hand, darlin,
Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand?
DO YOU FEEL THE SAME? AM I ONLY DREAMIN?
OR IS THIS BURNIN AN ETERNAL FLAME?

As much as I love it, and as much as I crave a cheap doner kebab, I don’t think I could survive the winters. We’ll keep searching.

Kevin, I enjoy page views as much as the next man, assuming that man isn’t David Brooks, but the Crispy Colonel is STILL waiting for you.

As to the comment below, I will go one further and say that this is “Sophie’s Choice-wich.” Do you forego the joy of that bit of skin eaten with each bite of negligible chicken…

I hate to sound like one of “those people,” but since I don’t know any of you, I’m going to go ahead. I lived in Manchester, England from 2015-17 and all I can say is, why does American “take away” have to suck so freaking hard? 30 friggin’ identical burger chains on every corner in this country but if I want a…

For about five minutes, John Mulaney made me proud to be white again. I’d like to thank this video for ruining that feeling.

I think Kate and I would be at least casual acquaintances who tolerate each other in real life.

As my self-described “real Han Chinese” ex-wife was so fond of reminding me before she forced me to buy a house in the exurbs of Atlanta, “black people make me nervous.” Because, you know, immigrants CAN’T BE RACISTS!

“TAWWWWMEEE, MAKE ME A AVOCAWDO SMOOTHIE, IT’S A WICKED PISSAH TAWWWWWMEEE!” Go away.

I don’t judge a man just because he wants a woman with “a little something extra.”

As Dennis would have said to Shake Shack, “What were you thinking, dummy?”

In a world...where everything often seems to suck...
In a time...when everyone is too cool for school...
Comes a man...who is unabashedly happy to be doing what he’s doing, and genuinely enjoys both his adventures and the people around him.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!

Kevin, have you heard of the Kroger (national supermarket chain) brand “General Tso’s Chicken” potato chips? It satisfied my curiosity in the sense that I won’t buy them again. Not great, not awful, but very, very odd.

I refuse to obey any guidelines which feature a split infinitive. If you don’t know what that is, thank a teacher. If Hamlet had said “To be, or to not be...” I somehow think it would have been a failure. This message brought to you by Pedantic Arseholes of America, a limited liability corporation.

Ron Burgundy: “Do you really love the hot dog, Mitt, or are you just looking around and saying what you see?”
Willard: “I LOVE HOT DOG. I love hot dog.”

Norm Macdonald: So you went to Africa, huh? Did you have to get a bunch of shots and stuff?
Kevin Nealon: Yeah, malaria, yellow fever...
Norm: Oh yeah, good, so do you don’t go tryin to bang all the Asian ladies!

“Kenny, why do poor people always smell like spoiled milk?”—Eric Cartman

Never let a good money-spinning gimmick stand in the way of making a product I’d actually want to drink. ‘Murca! Love it or leave it, ya commie pinkos!

Dearest Allison,
I have brought this effrontery to the attention of Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo of the BBC’s “Wittertainment” establishment, and I assume your permit to watch films in public shall now be revoked in the United Kingdom and all dominions thereof.

Yours respectably, etc.,
Lord Rafe Kensington-Smythe,…

I would like to raise a Green Flash West Coast IPA to all the “odd children” out here in the world.

As a southerner with a pedantic mother who had grown up dirt poor, I was taught early on that “the nasty bits” of animals were the kind of things that would sustain you. Chicken livers were one of my first craves.

The…