Proposals: whatever, you crazy kids.

Weddings: ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?!?!?!

1. You are robbing yourself of two distinct love-or-stressed filled days a year.
2. It's expensive as all the fucks plus more

ETA: A Valetine's wedding is like a December birthday you willingly chose. Why would you do that?

My grandmother had a serious boyfriend before she met my grandfather and she said that the main reason she broke it off was because he ate like a damn pig. She said "I couldn't imagine having to watch that at least twice a day for the rest of my life".

This comment physically hurts me.

I'm so fucking over hearing about beautiful babies. I'm tired of people using babies as a silver lining to dismiss a traumatic event. I'm tired of the emotional manipulation to convince people that terminating pregnancy is tantamount to KILLING A BABY.

I wonder how many people I could get to participate in a fancy Raccoon pageant.

Oh just sitting here in Arkansas LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! It's like watching your crazy cousins fight at your Grandma's house!

UGH I THOUGHT THIS MEANT THEY ACTUALLY CAST SOMEONE IN THEIR SHOOT GOD SHRAYBER YOU OWE ME GUINEA PIG PICTURES FOR THIS.

Jeez... even fake men don't know how to take "no" for an answer.

I was really enjoying getting to know you....Dave.

canadian friends, how are your handwashing statutes? how much french do i have to learn? do you have any non snowy places? who wants a roommate?

It's all the will of the invisible poopy hand.

These, only customized with blue satin and white lace (which drives my grandmother CRAZY!) and a lower, thicker heel (2 inches).

I am SHOCKED. SHOCKED I TELL YOU.

The cheap tip thing baffles me. My husband and I were at a bar we frequent in Orlando the other day, and this group of people who had had several rounds of margaritas and beers without a single complaint get up to leave, and as they do, the guy who had paid beams at the bartender, taps the bar, and goes, "That's for…

I kind of want "Undisputed King of the Dickwalruses" as a sticker on one of those old-style tattoo banners so I can go around giving them out to deserving -people- penile pinnipeds.

This was my third rodeo in a row. This year I splurged on better seats.

When I first got this insurance I had to pick up my first pack of bc (now it is automatically mailed to me by my insurer) and the woman at the window was like "your total is zero dollars." and I was like "what? freeeeee?" and she said "we're not allowed to say that, but yeah!" She was so giddy about it and it was…

prepare for cycle timed snack ads.