Not only was TNF the highest-rated show last night, but a closer look at the ratings stats shows that NFL programming swept the Nielsen top three and took down a whopping 33 share in total, once you factor in spinoffs Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder.

Bridgewater: Two things Christian Ponder couldn't hit if he fell out of a fucking boat.

"Boning yourself out of victory? I feel ya, dog."

WBAL reports he had just finished up an eight-hour blackjack session

Who wouldn't? And what does Burneko expect it to look like? It's fries with pulled pork, cheese, and onions on it. It takes him 2,000 words for him to tell us he's an idiot.

"This game is all over the place, mostly because these officials are terrible. Is that squatting guy eligible? And, I mean, look at how the one guy is slapping at that receiver running down the sideline... isn't that illegal contact? And how many quarterback changes is this Yost guy allowed to make?"

cause its soccer, not soccim

That kid went home that afternoon, opened up his book of dream careers, and drew a line through "Astronaut."

"Black guys ride the Slingshot like this: Zzzzzzzzzz...."

"When we're standing at doors for an hour and it's zero degrees and the doors keep opening," said one woman, "that's my biggest bone to pick. Which is understandable, I guess, because it's zero degrees, so, like, they're practically concave down there."

This year's 0-4 start gave the Raiders 10 straight losses dating back to last November, and the team's -51 point differential this year is good for the second-worst mark in the league.

Last night, the Raiders, who suck, announced that Allen had been sacked.

Jerry Jones is just hoping to dick Tracy.

Wow, that contest was perfect. His usual afternoon purchase of 6 bottles of Coke gave him just enough room on the bench.

It's really encouraging to see that Johnny Manziel is taking time out of his weekend off to hone his "stand on the sideline watching your team lose" skill.

"I got it wrong...and I'm sorry for that."

It's spelled Houghtilley, dumbass.

Now I'm just confused. I thought Haughtily was one of the other competitors.

Next week will be even crazier

dearest good friend: