Even moreso, these pics with someone else other than Willow, would have zero element of scandal.

I dunno, I kinda want my ass to live the American dream, even at the expense of other body parts. Like my knees. Screw them.

Agreed. After staring at them intently for two minutes (for science,) I think that what sexualizes them is the fact he's shirtless, and that they are in black and white. Black and White is ALWAYS sexier.

Yes! Exactly. And you would totally down it with some of that fried beer.

I remember the very first time I got a "ROFL" on the internet, and how great it felt. To imagine someone actually rolling on the floor laughing at something I said! It made me feel like a million bucks.

Or the start of the trailer of one of those christian films: "...In a world where... faith is the last transgression... one nun dares to use... HER PIPES!"

Good, because I don't want anyone accusing John Oliver of putting highly sensitive subject matter on his show.

Now, the video of the tiny hamster eating a burrito... aren't those things actually *bad* for hamsters?

Agreed. I'm a straight man, and I always liked Clinton, so I would have totally gone on a bender with him, and who knows where that would have led, with that sax and all that power, inside the Oval Office?

I had two dreams. Little me would be amazed to see I learned to talk to girls enough to marry one. The other dream had to do with chocolate. Not bad, I think.

Winning the bread is all well and good, but who is winning the *bacon*?

Whenever I've had an instance of public discontent with my lovely wife, I always secretly hope it makes others around us feel better about themselves. Probably because I do the same!

I woke up full of bruises, sore, and on a bed next to a nightstand that had a tiny treehouse full of tiny troll figurines. That's all I'm saying.

So did I. In a way, that fact alone makes it the single greatest story ever. A psychological thriller to boot, in my case.

Exactly, I was going to say the same thing, how do you even hold up a concrete wall?! It's amazing. Rest in peace, young man.

That's what I was going to say, you can't have a list without Victoria, and the single best one of all: Indio, a former poor man's beer reclaimed by the uppity and hipster for its taste and all around awesomeness.

Except that his sex offense should be written on the t-shirt, in that horrible font, in big bold letters.

The ghost of Isaac Newton wants to sue as well. Also, the Earth is thinking of a class action suit alongside most celestial bodies.

One boot goes inside each paw. It's tricky, because as a human, you tend to think that when you're done putting on the two on the hind legs that you're done, but if you get past it, you'll realize you have two more to go. You put those last two on, and presto!

So he is basically saying that if Beyoncé went away, teen pregnancy would go away? ...I'm sorry America, but I don't think that's a trade we can accept.