Two reasons we can't:

Badger (badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom....)

Or maybe we shouldn't have Disney making films about sex, grief, growing old, and becoming obsolete.

You're right of course. But remember, this is Disney, and Rapunzel is a Disney princess. Nothing released under the Disney brand is going to depict or imply the killing of a Disney princess.

That video totally needs to have its soundtrack replaced by Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

What about Captain Marvel, Marvel Comics' version of Fawcett's (now DC's) Captain Marvel?

It isn't real, Charlie, it's a movie.

Chestburster, from the Alien franchise. Isn't it just adorable?

So BACtrack collects and maintains data on its users' alcohol consumption.

"Show them the historical documents...."

I once warned a particularly obnoxious spoilerphobe away from a performance of Bach's St. Matthew's Passion because it gave away the ending of the book.

"It makes me wonder what, if the orcs wrote their side of the adventure, they might name the tale."

Ummm atomic clocks are NOT the most reliable timekeepers in the world.

No worries; we're already there. Bitcoin mining is energy-intensive.

Did anyone else notice that the album is called Awesome Mix Vol. 1, but contains one song (the only one we get to hear) from Awesome Mix Vol. 2?

This, except you don't actually need a double boiler. You can use a microwave oven to melt the bulk of the chocolate — nuke it for a few seconds at a time, and check its temperature between nukings. You REALLY don't want its temperature to get above 120ºF.

You can temper an over-the-counter bar, but you won't make it any better.

Go to Zita the Spacegirl. Go directly to Zita the Spacegirl. Do not pass "Go," do not collect $200.

Hah. When I saw the headline in my RSS reader, I thought the same thing.

And the countdown to the moment Mitchell takes this essay off the server begins ... NOW!