If blueberry does not win, my utterly fantastic secret blueberry pie recipe will remain a secret.

My maternal grandmother, the good little Irish-American Catholic girl, shacked up with a married, Irish-American Protestant former Marine that she met in a seedy bar and had three kids before he quietly got a divorce and married her. (Mind you, her brother married their Eighth Grade teacher, a former nun.)

Now, I fully admit that Key Lime is very nummy, but! the best pie filling in the world is blueberry. Thus, if blueberry does not win, it will be a tragedy of epic pastry proportions.

@sexysecularist: You know, I somehow managed to overlook the hamster bit until you mentioned it, and then I came close to learning whether it's possible to snort an almond out my nose.

Can we talk about the original article for a moment?

...and onto the model.

@all: I definitely meant the purported author of The Odyssey, but it's hilarious to learn of another awesome Simpsons literary allusion (I think I vaguely remember it, in fact).

Against my will, I am impressed by the apt Homer reference.

Another psychic Jezebel post - I was just noticing about a half hour ago how the fact that I'm currently just a little cold has made all my old scars stand out on my arms. That said, those were mostly caused by cats, cacti, and in one notable case, a very hot oven that a roommate bumped me into (oh! I think I can…

@hydrogen_jukebox: Don't feel too bad. When I was about that same age, I cooked a cake with a whole egg in it.

Shoulder shaving sounds like something out of the Grimm version of Cinderella.

For when I'm not at work, blackberry brandy and a hot water bottle.

@InCahoots: Sadly, I hadn't either. Wow...

@LutherNipperkin: The cake is a lie. Vote for Team Pie.

@Mek-man (aka dwayne wilson) Returns!: Do you have a partiality towards red velvet?

@jdawgg297: You made me snort aloud, so points for that. I like "baked radness."

@Peppermint: Yum! I am firmly team pie and I would have a hard time deciding which one to choose there. Blueberry, I think... I make a mean blueberry pie.

@sophiekafka: the coconut/pecan/caramel icing is the main difference. Also, the chocolate cake part is usually a little sweeter, I think.

Death, loss of loved ones, dishonor, broken teeth, Nicholas Cage and Zombie Abe Lincoln.

I was not allowed clay, silly putty or play-doh... probably because the first time I was given clay, there was a minor incident and my mother had to cut off about half of my hair. I did eventually get around that restriction, though... when I was about fifteen.