Aside from the lip situation, which is crazy, she's kinda giving me Brittany Murphy here. That's weird.

I don't know what the husky's saying, but my dog is very concerned about him.

She'll be sorry that she conditioned her dog not to see rats as a threat when the Ebola infected ratpocalypse comes. Thanks Obama.

At least it didn't scare the shit out of him.

Hey now, Kate Davis already did this a month earlier, and her version is better!

Well I'm glad someone finally recognized Halloween for what it is, yet another socialist reuse concocted to trick hard working rich people in to helping the less fortunate. I've been onto that scam for years which is why instead of handing out candy I hand out pamphlets carefully explaining to the children that they…

It is Texas. She should have just said that her baby was fracking for milk.

"You can't fight in here. This is the War Room!"

NOSH PIT

Best thing I've heard all day.

"Tell me what it was like the first time that you first laid eyes on Angelina. Was it like one of those classical love stories like, I don't know, when Ross first saw Rachel?"

There is a wide range of fairly serious punishment that doesn't involve beating or physical violence. If my 10 year old did that, no, I would not beat him, because I don't hit people for swearing at me. (Or, you know, at all.) But the punishment for such appalling disrespect to a parent would involve severely…

Instead of implying that there's a morally superior approach to the issue of spanking,

12 Years a Salve is going to be the name of my new African Shea Butter Etsy shop.

God that gum gag was awesome.

The only explanation is that the person who came up with this was probably watching baboons on Animal Planet. I'm disappointed that he went with brown rather than something more interesting like pink or blue.

There is nothing I find more confusing than our culture's distrust of the bidet.

Team divacup. But when i used tampons, they were coming out when i pooped, whether i wanted them to or not. Always changed it.

I don't always, but when I do, it's because the pooping muscles were ejecting the tampon anyway.

#thingsionlysayonline

I am a shit monster the first day of my period. It's the worst, because even after you go, it still feels like you have the urge.

Exactly - period poos are the goddamn worst. I eat a good diet and pride myself on clean poos, but all bets are off during my period.