I get showering as a means of freshening oneself up. I flew NJ to CO for work once and made the mistake of going straight to the office. I really wished I had gotten a shower, a small lunch and a little decompression time to take the feeling of being stale shit off my shoulders.

Reading that one was like when I found out a large proportion of Funbag readers wipe standing up. I’m 32 years old and have done a lot of flying, was I expected to shower after all those flights? I shower in the morning, I’m not sweating or exposing my body to filth, what’s the onus for a shower here? Maybe if it’s…

Jokes on your cousin, those kids engineered a way to get him to do the work for them.

I feel like Airplane Shower Lady is one of those people who would have a constant, low-intensity mental breakdown over the course of 3 days if she knew that we’re all covered in fecal coliforms 24/7.

The only thing impressive about the NBA playoffs anymore are how they still manage to get viewers.

That and lawn mowing is why I stay in apartments.

If a real estate agent told me that a neighbor was known as “the governess”, I’d cancel the deal right then and there. Nooooppe.

My toilet clogged and nearly flooded the bathroom last Saturday morning. Because I don’t own a home, written into my apartment rental contract is a maintenance agreement. Thus, I walked down to the office, told them my toilet was clogged, the lady texts a maintenance person, and they come over within 30 minutes on a…

And they would be in violation of NASCAR policies, possibly drunk, and unlikely to be able to do jack shit about any terrorist event.

Law abiding gun owners not abiding the law?

My favorite response was “There has never been a terrorist attack at my house. I masturbate incessantly. Draw your own conclusions.”

I still have bad feeling he’s going to be killed in a fall someday.

I too have a secret Twitter account. Nobody knows it exists.

Alex Honnold is perhaps the greatest living free soloist

My question’s gotta be WHY???? Do the ropes and harnesses make that much of a difference with respect to climbing? In other words is there a way to approximate this without risking your life? Couldn’t you just climb with a harness on and if you slip be like “Nope. No way I would have completed this climb sans harness…

Not really? Maybe because I was much younger back then, I never felt like Bulls championships were completely inevitable—there was always some reasonable hope the Sonics or Jazz or whoever would find a way to make it a series. It might also be because the Warriors have four of the top 25 players in the NBA, whereas…

I don’t even hate the Warriors, but I have to say KD joining is not the same as LeBron going to Miami. LeBron made them a super team. GS already was a super team. This would be like...well I guess KD going to Miami.

“The Golden State Warriors have reached rare air indeed: They’re too good to watch.”

I so wanted this to be them fighting eachother

“Got into an altercation at the Nashville Margaritaville” wouldn’t crack the 100 most surprising facts about Rex and Rob Ryan.