I think what makes humblebrag so irritating is that the person is downplaying something other people would love to have: being mistaken for a model, being hit on all the time, etc. “No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot gain weight” is good for a mob with torches and pitchforks any day.

The smell of mustard just about makes my eyes water. They put too much mayo on sandwiches so they drip. They skimp on the cheese. Really, tiling the cheese so you don’t accidentally get a square millimeter of overlap? We’re on a budget, here, folks.

The list includes a lot of trademarks. Microsoft and Nintendo, for example.

Yup. Your hip joint IS a ball joint. For real.

I'm a guy and therefore one of The Enemy, but if you want someone to help you castrate one of more of these s###bags with a spork, give me a call.

I can mostly take cars or leave them, but when I went to the Daimler-Benz Museum outside Stuttgart, I left a trail of drool everywhere I went. 100+ year old cars looking like they just came off the assembly line! AND something many people don't know, the FIRST internal combustion engines were stationary, made to run…

We ARE all clear these are imaginary characters, right?

"I'm sorry, son. They got us."

A lot cheaper than my puppies. But mine sleep with me.

Re the slap:

Not just the locomotive, but the half mile or so of stuff behind it.

So do you think it's okay for the government to police whether or not you serve certain classes of people? Is it okay for them to require you to get a permit to modify your house? Is it okay for them to regulate how you sort your trash, or what kind of toilet you can buy, or what kind of light bulbs? Is it okay for…

Even I was impressed at how precisely the stone tracked the line.

I had to go out in a blizzard once, in a regular car. As I turned onto one street, an idiot in an SUV with enough ground clearance for Frodo to walk under came up the beaten-down center of the street, meaning I had to drive through the deep snow to get around him.

"They could just as well have set it in an entirely fictional galaxy, and no one would have noticed."

Not only do I not GAF about the critics, IDGAF about Twitter. I don't have an account.

This is all great. A few more remarks:

If you are not beating away supermodels with a broomstick in real life, you won't on line either. The internet may broaden your pool of people looking to socialize, but the quality won't change.

One of the few bright spots from November 4.

And if your kid flat out refuses to stay in his room, what's plan B? Can't lock the door, the cops will arrest you for child endangerment.