Live venomous snakes on a springboard that launches when the lid is opened, followed by a confetti cannon, and then a MIDI instrumental of Can’t Touch This plays over and over as everyone dies in agony.

They’ll probably find Mitch McConnell,and a hierograph of a turtle.

Pro-Stabler, because his character traits also include “fuckable”.

It’s just really, really hard to go against CFA in the South. Even the most secular liberal types I know there put their beliefs aside to indulge in the sweet tea.

I was supposed to be sending the calls to the two women that were actual ‘tech support’. As a Kelly Girl! back then you just re-directed phone calls, and hopefully knew your alphabet to file things. You were only supposed to do what you were told, I overstepped. 

I suppose how I started my entire career? It wasn’t really shady, I was honest about it.

This is a great story.

I kind of hustled some guys in a swimming race. I say kind of because I never actually said I wasn’t a good swimmer. I just let them make their own assumptions. Anyway, I was the only girl in my lifeguarding class, and right from the first start, the two alpha frat-bros in the group and the instructor (a mid-20s…

Haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, totally believe LVP lied, nevertheless continue to adore her. I also still think Dorit’s actions are a thousand times worse and she lies every time she opens her mouth and subjects us to that horrendous fake accent. YOU’RE FROM CONNECTICUT JUST STOP.

The Hallmark movie about this scandal starring Lori Loughlin is gonna slap, though.

So, since Lori Loughlin is involved, is it fair to say that this scandal is everywhere you look?

Hey, I once had a coke bottle thrown at my car for flipping off a guy who was road-raging against me! 

This morning I made the jack-off motion and laughed at a man road-raging against me and got him so upset that he threw his water bottle at my car before zooming off.

I consider that a triumph.

What happened to the Baby Huey looking douche Danielle was giving daily blowjobs to on the first season of RHONJ?

You know, with this comment, and another comment she made about Harvey Weinstein in the mid 90s, I say we should just start asking Courtney Love about all sorts of famous dudes, and see what she says.

I grew up in a suburb of a midsized city, and while there were PHARM parties going on at my highschool, I didn’t attend them. I went to college however, in a much, much smaller town. One that acted as a hub for the even less sparsely inhabited counties surrounding it. They had FARM parties and I had no idea what I was…

I used to know a group of musicians from Oklahoma whose drummer had once received a DUI. He was once denied entry to play a gig in Canada as a result of the DUI. This occurred when the group of freaky looking musicians was being thoroughly checked over at the border. So the band was forced to come up with a new…

It’s not necessarily that they won’t let you enter the country, it’s more of a case that they view it as a totally legitimate reason to deny you entry if they so choose. Even more so if you’re the actual driver of the vehicle at a land crossing.

Do you think Sia will give me partial credit for the 8 pizzas I dropped off at the local homeless shelter last night? We had a lot of bad orders last night, and I hate to throw away good food, so it wasn’t purely charitable.

I actually feel bad for the vineyard. Apparently it used to be quite respectable and produced some decent vintages, but then it got bought by a rich dilettante (no, not that one, not at first) who DID think they knew about wine and fucked it all up, and then destroyed it further in a petty divored, which is how a…