I hope he spends a significant amount of his life being punched in the face.

Ya, but isn’t it always much easier to size up and dismiss the anxieties and traumas of others than it is to effectively listen to a perspective you don’t have first-hand access to?

omg newborn babies are disgusting.

That couple was clearly April Ludgate and Andy Dwyer.

Remember kids: Black Lives Matter is a bunch of whiners who are looking for reasons to be offended. The real oppression is a lack of Christmas iconography on your coffee cups.

Oh wow.

Dear Entire Town of Dearborn, Kansas,

Sleep paralysis doesn’t melt steel beams

Spooky. This is beautifully written by the way, very vivid description.

nooooooooooooo nononono

Nope, they were actually kind of assholes about the seating arrangements. If you know going out is a huge production, you make reservations or go out at off-hours so you don’t have to wait and then bribe the hostess for exactly the table you want. And also, I can’t imagine taking a kid with sensory issues to…

Who the hell just lets a fart fly in a restaurant like it’s nothing? I’ll run to the bathroom if I have to.

Plenty of places do this. It costs them next to nothing, they get to charge you three bucks for the privilege, and you don’t have to think 24 hours ahead of time to get a good rested dough. It s a win-win.

It is from the Office

Few things are more annoying than whiny little turds who won’t eat anything other than nuggets. Maybe the parents that enable them...

New parents can be a special kind of entitled. It’s funny.

Look, I love babies. I like moms (some of them). But if I was invited to speak in from of hundreds of people, do a book signing, and participate in an intense professional conference, I’d arrange for child care for the day. No, you can’t bring your baby to work, sorry. That includes adjunct teaching. Advocate for…

What’s it like being “that guy”?

I read every one of these - and there were definitely some gems - but I just flat-out can’t get over putting jelly on pizza, let alone asking for it like it’s not completely insane.

“Andre, take me to Red Lobster.”