Same number of games as Roethlisberger got for his second sexual assault allegation. Neat.

So it’s worse than beating your wife, but not as bad as beating your wife but being caught on tape.

This is honestly the most beautiful case of legal trolling that I have ever witnessed.

There’s a special section in heaven reserved for people who have had to deal with old people arguing over change.

DEAD.

That and a Simpsons reference. I mean it’s what, 500+ episodes over 25+ years?

I want to see a judge reference Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Maybe she can finally rule on the “we were on a break” issue once and for all!

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: there’s a Friends reference every day in your life. And you must always seize the opportunity to make it.

I am blessed to know many service members who are wonderful, but every time someone comes in and yells at me because my store doesn’t offer a military discount (“MY HUSBAND PUTS HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR YOUR COUNTRY AND YOU CAN’T GIVE ME 10% OFF MY DRESS?”) I understand, with deep, deep clarity, why they are hated…

How does one person eat $60 worth of food at Ruby Tuesday’s? That’s like four entrees and two appetizers.

Buuuut, if you can afford to pay $60 for a tab, you should give more than a quarter for a tip.

If you can’t afford to tip appropriately, you can’t afford to eat out.

HOW ABOUT “YES, BECAUSE HE IS TOTALLY MY TYPE?” WHY ARE YOU SEX-SHAMING ME, BOBBY?

Now there’s a man who’ll take his penis out on the subway.

the things i would do for a free mcflurry are shameful

Sue + Kent FOR LIIIIIIIIIFE

These clowns are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY off: it’s actually pronounced “Cue-Do-Ba”.

He only wanted a wee keek!

I felt so sorry for her boobs