I just had an amazing revelation. Trump dresses the way he does because every domestic public event is like he’s attending an outer-borough wedding held at a tacky venue like one of his golf clubs. He has to “dress up” but the clothes don’t fit and he, and the other attendees, don’t seem to notice, because what…

Has the phrase “droit du seigneur” occurred to anyone but me?

“We’re all from Staten Island.”

Also, Keanu is so genuinely kind it absolutely drives my 2019 cyncism up the fucking wall.  He is disgusting; his kindness makes my personality appear an ogre.

May the saints keep Keanu Reeves’ simple heart uncomplicated. I still haven’t recovered from Liam Neeson showing out his racist ass. 

Gwyneth: “You have no idea how hard it is to get someone to steam you vagina WELL. I mean, with sensitivity, yes, but also with soul.”

It’s important because we need to be INFLUENCED, dammit! Preferably to generic music mixes! Aspiration....al

I have a second uncle (uncle once removed??? I can’t leep this shit straight) who has been with his partner for like 30 years now, but while one of their parents was still alive, they always told everyone they were roommates. Everyone KNEW of course, but it wasn’t something you could say out loud in front of grandpa.…

My sister used to tell me I was adopted. The rest of the fam found it hilarious that I would get upset and cry over this.

Someone in my family told me that the fish on the back of cars meant bad driver. I’m pretty sure it was my mom but she denies it.

Same! When I was 12, I was introduced to my Uncle’s “roommate” at a family reunion. 12 year old me thinks: “ I think Uncle Bri’s roommate is gay...hmm...ohhhh wait a minute!”

I read Bunnicula as a child and was really taken by it. So, my parents decided to honor this love by telling me that the Easter Bunny was a vampire.

Well I guess we can blame this one on the 80s, and I imagine it is familiar to many... but we grew up always knowing Uncle Larry’s roommate would be at every major family function.

Oooh I thought of another one. We convinced my daughter that teleportation totally exists, but it was illegal due to the Great Teleporter Riots of the early 90's (she was born in ‘97). She wasn’t sure whether to believe us, but I let my dad in on the joke and one day Grampa started talking about the Teleporter Riots…

Okay, mine is lame (I have a birthday the day before a holiday and they told me the holiday was everyone celebrating me), but my mom’s is hilarious.

My father left us when I was six and my mother didn’t care to take care of our beagle Tippy in addition to my brother and me. So in a twist on the thing that OTHER parents tell their kids to spare their feelings, my mom told us that Tippy was hit by a car and killed. But she really gave him to someone she knew who had…

In middle school, my younger sister was in a rebellion phase and told my very liberal parents she was going to become a republican. Without missing a beat, my mom looked her in the eyes and told her that she couldn’t because they had put Democrat on her birth certificate. All the rest of us agreed that it was true, so…

His daughter with Kate Beckinsale is 20, and I keep thinking about how weird it would have been were I in her shoes: for my dad to be having a baby with his gf, who is only five years older than me. I know families come in all shapes and sizes, but it still seems like it would be such a strange situation. It would…

(Just to be clear - we’re having a baby!) #nottheantichrist

Beyonce is 37. Jay Z is 49. Your nonsense is telling.