Timothy Burke was Deadspin’s Video Director. (There — now it’s about 90 percent more depressing.)

No argument on the latter. But I do think that my nomination honored the letter of the original question, if not the spirit:

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

Perhaps this was all just a plot by Thompson to get Manning to Colorado 14 years sooner?

This means the most attractive Philly-based writer for Deadspin is now [checks notes]... Dan McQuade. Shit.

+5 point palm exploding heart technique

Are you serious, or just chitin?

Ohhhhhh, sheet-weaver/ I believe you can get me through the ni-iiiiiight...

“I did a business with Jameis Winston!” -- Vincent Adultman

True, but in trigonometry, the application of right triangles in regard to their placement within a circle helps to calculate sine, cosine, and —

He never should have put on those glasses he found in the toilet.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Is the offer void if they’re non-white players?

Buddy, it’s the part I was born to play.

This season varied from the traditional “one step forward, two steps back” approach to Pied Piper’s fate. It ended on a positive note — so more like a “two steps forward, one step back” pace to the stories.

My reference for 1993 jazz-rap fusion has always been Us3’s “Hand on the Torch.” It was a bit more sample-dependent than “Jazzmatazz,” but they are quality samples (“Cantaloupe Island,” “Song for My Father,” “Cool Blues,” etc.).

...the show’s last big set of Tolkien references came with all the “Space mythril” jokes from “Space Race.”

With “ABBIEJEAN” in big Gothic letters down the spine?

Stop! My penis can only get so erect.

You deserve stars just for referencing Sledge Hammer!