Those bastards!

Yeah, but that guy loves Jesus, and he only fell for the catfish scheme because he loves Jesus so hard.

Not because I don't believe Michael Sam should have a chance to play, but I wouldn't want to deal with all of it.

Yeah, but what is that in Canadian?

Fuck this pretzel bun trend. It's like if a shitty soft pretzel fucked a loaf of Wonder Bread, and places try to pass it off as some kind of fucking "artisan" bun.

You can have a history of serious criminal behavior without murdering someone. You know, like if you sexually assault someone and violently assault your girlfriend.

As always, he'll be hard to root for and impossible not to. The sheen has once again come off Lance Stephenson, but the fact is that the sheen is always coming off Lance Stephenson—this is the perpetual state of the young man everyone wanted until they didn't. One more last chance for Born Ready, the kid who never…

If we can't eat cheese off a commemorative 9/11 cheese plate, why even have freedom?

Poor Ellie Kemper - I feel like she's a great comedic actress in line for a whole bunch of thankless secondary roles in bad romantic comedies. Like the next Judy Greer.

I'm surprised you can't buy pieces of him at the 9/11 museum.

Lance Stephenson is going to make less money than Ben Gordon and Caron Butler combined next year. He'll also make just barely more than Channing Frye.

You hate to have near misses at the beginning of a big game.

This raises a lot of questions, such as how is LeBron's hat staying on his head?

Plus his nickname was The Spider. Motherfucking SPIDER. That's cool as shit. Way better than "The King."

Dickey Simpkins > LeBron James

That take was so hot it burned all the way to my subcutaneous tissue.

I don't speak their language, but I'm still pretty sure none of them are actually saying real words.

Just when I thought his stupid face couldn't get any more punchable.

When this goes tits up, which it will, how will Dan Gilbert react? Comic Sans suicide note? Murder a metro Detroit graffiti artist? Or just ease the pain by swimming in a pool of his dirty loan money, Scrooge McDuck style?