@la.donna.pietra: I REFUSE to believe Ms. Perry is Team Cake. Where did you obtain this blatantly false information? I demand answers!!11!1!1

I really believe the hat in #10 will change my life. Next time I see my shrink, I'm going to ask him to procure this piece of heaven for me instead of giving refills on my Paxil.

@Kitten is an 80s rocker: Yes! And now it's in my head and I can't go back to my old life when I'd never heard of it.

@Mayor Squeakerton: As a fellow H.L. fan, I'm impressed with your profound insight and eloquence ;)

@Rogue State: It's not his fault! Blame the movie stylist!

@mrs_weasley: Thank you! I certainly don't recall being phallic-obsessed whilst hanging out with my teenage friends. This kids sounds completely fixated on sex/penises 24/7. I just don't find this healthy or hysterically funny.

@NefariousNewt: I guess they were absent that day in extortion class.

@blackbirdfly: I don't usually express my sympathy to internet strangers, but your story has really touched a nerve. Your situation is just a wretched, torturous nightmare and I am so sorry for you. I so hope it ends for you soon.

I owe you an apology Hortense. I was sure you were being, perhaps, a bit exaggerative in your comments. I mean, it's Liz Phair! How bad could it be? Well, after experiencing this "song", I now feel you were actually too complementary. It's an abomination and I can only surmise this is Liz's idea of a prank. I'm left…

Dear Christy Lemire:

@Mensa: Congrats! Ohh, but now the pressure is on to try to not lose it ;) Good luck!

@mfnher: THANK YOU! That term never fails to completely squick me out.

And how am I actually supposed to put these theories into action? An ad on Craigslist looking for only "Bootylicious" black women to call when I want to get in the mood? Shall I prop a Latina up on the dresser in my bedroom and stare at her when hubby wants sexytimes? And I don't even LIKE the Rolling Stones... So…

@A Small Turnip: Should you ever be in need of a new career path, I highly suggest "Parfume Description Writer"

@AthertonMerriweather: You can say that again! People... They're the worst.

Hand her a case of baby wipes and tell her "Wipe all that crap of your face young lady!"

@acrobaticrabbit: My comment would have been so incredibly offensive had it been serious, I thought there was no way the sarcasm could be missed. Whew... Shit storm averted ;)

@MischiefMinx: Oh dear... I guess I should have done the "/sarcasm " at the end of my comments.

*sigh* My 9 yr old dd played softball this past season, loved it and was quite a good player. I hope she won't be disappointed when I sign her up for ballet instead. There aren't lesbians in dance classes, are there?

@JanaNye: If I was talented in an art-type way, I would sooo design a t-shirt based on your excellent statement!