In an alternate universe, Dan Tard is suspended for Uggliness

"Wait, we can opt out of Cleveland?" — Clevelanders.

Is that you Jessica?? Will you not see me again because of that time I said I thought the dance routine you put together for your sorority formal was derivative and then I said I was only joking and really I *was* joking and the punctures on my hand from that fork are healing nicely so that's no big deal and the…

It's awfully refreshing to see so little ink on an NBA player.

Of course not you fucking idiot.

Not true. He could die, like Matt Schaub.

Nice for once to see some Ohioans react on air with nary an aerosol can in sight.

I guess LeBron jerseys in Miami should be put on...

LeBron James Saves Cleveland Sports Illustrated

In an office somewhere in Miami, Pat Riley's trembling hand moves his mouse forward, to the font drop-down, and selects "Comic Sans"

More coming soon on this, obviously.

Even more disheartening are the recent photos revealing his stance on bunting.

I, for one, think a lot of this is alcohol-related. Get rid of the alcohol and you'll get rid of the problem. Plus, it'd be totally fitting for AT&T to not have any bars.

Come on, man. He's not going to Cleveland. His wife owns that juice bar in Miami. You think she's just gonna sell that thing and open another one up in Cleveland? You know how annoying it is to get a zoning permit and pass inspection from the health department? She's not gonna go through all that all over again.

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"But most importantly" Beane continued, "Technology will be in place to assist people in wading through sewer water to get to their $50 bleacher seats."

Pictured: Greg Howard dressed in drag

You can be paralyzed by the strangest things. Just this morning I was walking down the street when I saw a teenage boy on the corner wearing a purple t-shirt that said "People Like Grapes." He looked sleepy and listless. As I approached him, he crossed the adjacent street without looking in my direction.