"You're welcome, America."

This afternoon, emergency crews were dispatched to a Brooklyn Middle School after reports that an airborne "hazardous substance" had been released into a classroom. Eight students were sent to area hospitals. The "hazardous substance?" Axe Body Spray. Lesson: smelling like a locker room full of virgins is hazardous to…

"I don't even have a phone with a camera on it!"

I like to yell, "GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE STILL NOT A DADDY!!!!!" at him. The we high five each other and drink red wine in celebration.

I would shit myself if I saw that Pregnant result on a test, you can't swing a dead cat around here without hitting a child.

I like how you think there's no-one hiding under your desk.

I have to say, the little girl in the bathroom really unnerved me. I read all of these last week and that one was the one that kept me awake.

[A] "pick up artist" is like a sandwich artist, except much more embarrassing to sleep with and much, much less likely to have a footlong.

What an odd name for a magazine though. Closer? For older women? Closer to what, death?

Faxing a photocopy of your butt was the original sext.

Voila! I'm pleased with how this turned out.

I hope that video isn't so short because the cat realized he could eat said bird. I don't trust my kitten enough to be near my cockatiel unsupervised. He keep looking at him and licking his lips.

Ha! I did not know that this was a trend, but I think my "Scary Miley" has been surpassed....

Yell at it. EITHER YOU BECOME A RESPECTABLE JACK-O-LANTERN OR YOU BECOME A PIE.

OMG I love "Blergh" but "Balls" is the ultimate dance song of summer.

Muppetsexual, you say?