Dude, as a committed hetero man, sexy Nick Offerman is making me feel differently. Man looks awesome.

No way. These two walking personifications of the masculine ideal would never do such things.

Yeah, probably not a good time.

The Salt Lake Saints! Wait...

I realize this can easily be characterized as a gross overreaction, but when do we just acknowledge that: a) America is broken, and b) no real solution exists. A statistically significant portion of the population believes this nonsense, or substantial portions of this nonsense. I would posit that these persons are…

It’s been a good run, people.

His substance of choice: taut asses of female talent.

Matthew Berry?!?! Where is my fainting couch...

You buried the lede: you voluntarily read The Federalist? Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, man.

I find myself irrationally happy (and probably wrong to feel this way period) about Heath Evans getting his turn in the barrel. A more sanctimonious dick one cannot find, so although I genuinely feel horribly for Ms. Cantor, I am glad Heath is getting shit on.

It’s real AND fabulous.

Average age of freshman team: 27 years old.

How come his eyes are 1/8 inch apart?

On the one hand, THE Ohio State and its fans are pissed, which is always good. On the other hand, the State of Alabama and Nick Saban are happy, which is always bad. I am trapped in a glass case of emotion and confusion.

As an old Jazz fan and season ticket holder, I dare say Mitchell is most exciting rookie since Karl Malone. Darrel Griffith and Adrian Dantley were my first favorites, and this kid definitely looks the part unlike anyone I have seen since Malone. He is doing this within offense, not just free-lancing based upon his…

His penis being stuck in a 13-year-old boy is TECHNICALLY a health matter. So not a lie.

Aww, man, let’s go back even farther. Carl Monday story dropping. Holley Mangold playing HS football. Holy shit, there was some good stuff back in the day.

Not. Shocking. At. All. Isn’t there a rumor that he is the father of one of his co-worker’s children?

While in deep thought, Rose tore his ACL. Shame.

They could put this on loop at my funeral, and I would be just fine with it.