"I was promised a John Wall 420 highlight package! You're all fucking fired." - Colin Cowherd

"Dat Ass Doe" - Michael Sam Bracketology Special

If you like elite athletes who profile as future Deadspin readers like yourself (Clever, White and Self-Aware), you'll love Millennial Paul Shirley, without all that Gen-X about-to-bloom repressed conservatism.

This is well crafted, except for soccer ball not being at or near the bottom. It is slick, too big to grip, oddly weighted. Just completely useless outside of its sport. Come get me, soccer freaks.

Like any intelligent white racist, Chip Kelly has chosen to spend his life tying his financial success and professional legacy to the performance of overwhelmingly black people.

Philadelphia is about 15 degrees warmer than Buffalo on average in December, has about 20% of the annual snowfall (19 inches to 93), and the Eagles have made the playoffs 10 times in the 15 seasons since the last Bills playoff appearance. The Eagles have had 2 head coaches in that span, the Bills just hired their 7th.

"I would like to shoot some. But I get it."

Friday, December 12th: Knicks get blown out in Boston, 121-93.

"Remember when Mariah Carey could sing?"

This game is fun: "Virtual Insanity" by Jamiroquai x "Brick" by Ben Folds Five... fuck, I got Mr. Brightside.

"Hey, I don't come down to where you work and knock the license plate outta your hand."