umm why is kate mckinnon’s justin beiber not one of the choices

My moms best friend keeps a toddler sized one in her back seat because “she likes the company”

“Triflin’ ass baby ho,” literally, LITERALLY made breakfast smoothie come out of my nose.

I wasn’t touched by strangers much when I was pregnant, but the one time it happened, I without even thinking, snapped, “anything touching my stomach, I keep.”

I don’t know, I’m generally very friendly and amiable, but the amount of bullshit I’ve put up with at the passport office has had me on the edge of screaming. For example, I had three consecutive passport photos rejected not because I was smiling, but because my face was too “smiley.”

I first thought Jerry Falwell was still alive, and then looked him up. He's dead. Then I wondered how a dead guy was still the president of the university. God really does work in mysterious ways.

I spent a year in Korea and it was the easiest tour I ever did. I can’t wait till we reach peak Nationalism and we start doing surprise reunions after a two month TDY to Florida.

Well, I hope he hasn’t been killed. Can’t live in shame as a pariah if he’s dead.

What happened to fun/creepy conspiracy theories like JFK, Area 51, the Sirius star and the mermaids, Primce William is the anti-christ (this one involves so much history, it’s such a fun, crazy read). I’m such a sucker for those.

I collect squished pennies (this is going somewhere). One of the first machines for squishing pennies was unveiled at the Panamerican Expo. After McKinley was shot, the die in the machine was changed to commemorate the event, which became a rather popular souvineer. Because people had a different notion of souvineers…

That choice was met with much opposition, and congress by and large fought for Mount Toby instead

Hogwarts starts on September 1st.

I always track down their shoes by looking at the brand in the pics because you can never by the ridiculous names. Half the time you can find them 1/3 of the price on websites like http://www.makemechic.com.

That was my experience, too. The last time I ordered a bunch of stuff from them — maybe a year and a half, two years ago? Pretty much all of it went back due to being “wow, this feels/looks like a cheap piece of crap.” I think I kept one miniskirt, out of eight or nine skirts and dresses and tops.

World Health Organization recommends nursing until 2. Our aversion to toddlers being nursed is entirely cultural.

I am writing this as my 15 month old with a full set of teeth nurses: it doesn't hurt. The tongue covers the bottom teeth and the top only just kind of touch down gently.

And then they were both killed by a lion, feeding a whole pride of lions and their cubs for many days. Hakuna Matata.

Ugh I want to hire hot men to makeout with me without my mom calling it ‘illegal’ and ‘shameful’

Remember when there was a big to-do because Annie Leibovitz photographed her naked back?