Someone better invent a time machine and tell Alexandre Dumas not to include a Mercedes in Count of Monte Cristo because it’s the name of a brand for an invention he’s never seen before.

Mercedes is a common Spanish name.

I would also like to speak on behalf of the generously be-titted who love to cook: aprons are not fucking meant for us. (Not that this is Meghan’s problem.) Every cute apron ever made does the dreaded slide and ends up hugging one giant can and looks like shit and fuck aprons.

Millennials these days. Sprained ankle and they’re getting taken out on those mini shopping carts.

I remember a little Black girl rhyme:

Michael, thank you for always being on the case. I was dreading hearing about whatever religious or cult association this family had, but I am glad I heard it from you first. Your reaction is completely justified, as Quiverfull is utter ridiculousness. The “movement” is completely right in that white folk will be in…

I’m not laying this at the feet of “white people.”

This is what happens when you watch Set it Off when high.

“Hire back an *old*?!?! Who’s also a color? Never! We paid big $ for that Nazi piece of shit Megghyn Kelly and we all of a sudden give a shit about women!”/s

Yup. This was her:

“Oh, dude was always trash.”

Before I even read (present tense) this, I feel like Ann Curry is like “I told you Motherfuckers he was an ass and I get fired?” Please sue Ann. Please.

I mean, can you blame her?

I guess you’re asking about wealth *accumulation*, but I’m pretty sure the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation has in fact spent a ton of money giving away mosquito nets in Africa.

From the very important essay “And most of all, astute readers will identify that no one gives a shit about ice hockey in the heart of ACC country.” While I cannot definitively say if this is true or not, I can say that the one time I went to a Hurricanes game, Ric Flair was at the game. And if Ric Flair was there, it…

Money lenders ripping off vulnerable poor people drove Jesus to violence.

Maybe I’m being overly cynical here, but do you think there is a single benevolent person worth a billion (or so) dollars on the entire planet?  

for additional coverage of peter karmanos, please read this very important essay

i hope he reneges on his promise to keep the team in raleigh and moves them back to hartford, killing karmanos and letting me piss on his grave