+1 submarine & screen door

Johan Santana (who was far better/less injured as a Twin) brought the Mets their first (first!) no hitter in Mets history. Johan should go to the HOF and wear the Twins hat just as a final ‘fuck you’ to the Mets pitching staff & doctors.

I just woke up, is it still 2004? Anyway, TNA has PPVs on Wednesday nights and that promotion is a great alternative to WWE, what with their humping midgets, redneck Nazi sympathizers and of course the human penis men.

That’s legit some good friends. Great job, girls.

“And Linda is way too much to be buried here” is also what it will say on her tombstone.

I thought we, as a people, decided never to talk about Hassan again. Like, at all. I honestly think I’m more embarrassed at that storyline/character than I am of everything, including 3 Minute Warning destroying HLA (hot lesbian action!).

Also, speaking of We The People, where is Zeb in this? And you could’ve also…

I think it was more the fact that he was (very obviously) mouthing them that was the ‘no, this is weird/bad/mostly weird’ aspect. And probably as you get older/more actor-like you can figure out when your cues are better

something something about this being Daniel Bryan’s favorite football team something something

Or get to the game an hour before pre-skate starts and sits in front of the net, eating empanadas & fried oreos because the Devils have great life choices for me, and watch the ice crew set up.

Oh Bruce Hart, you cad! I approve of this snark so bad.

we live on the internet, I feel we are all a little bit of an asshole, you know? But, I just wasn’t sure if anyone else had heard of this or if I dreamed it up. Except, I would never dream of Ed Sheeran.

the ear thing isn’t a theory, it’s real life. It’s why originally (ie when he first came out) I tried to give him the “Britney Spears Benefit” (she’s not my type of music but I wish her nothing but good positive life vibes) because he had stuff wrong with his ear drums from childhood and stuff, so that’s why I always…

On an episode of Fresh Off The Boat (that I “got” far too deeply), Eddie spends an entire episode telling the school that Tiger Woods is half Asian and everyone (at school, not in his family) tells him he’s crazy.

I ...... I think that’s the best thing I’ve read today, if not this week (remembers it’s only Tuesday and sighs)

our AC Moore smells like cat piss. All the time. I feel workers let in strays (or maybe the homeless) and never got around to cleaning it right and now when you walk in straight up cat piss smell

The difference here, though, is no one besides Jeremy Roenick (who, you know black kettles and whatnot) would ever think Ovechkin’s ego is even an 8th as huge as that person currently in the white house.

Everyone’s talking about Uma, but I’m on this:

*to work for $10 an hour changing their own grandparents & aunts/uncles Depends.

what are you talking about? I would STILL have sex with Antonio Banderas today, even if he’s still just the allergy!bee

Oh god, I’m also here for your use of the GOD WARRIOR gif.