“Oh god! There’s a cat in that burning building!....... Ah! I know what to do!” *Throws another cat into burning building* “Now they won’t be alone.”

Today, you became American

I’m from Sweden so the only thing I know about american football is that I fucking can’t stand Tom Brady

Those two touchdowns are a giant step forward for the league. Both were catches to any sane person who has not had their mind warped by the NFLs bullshit philosophical dissection of “what IS a CATCH, MAAAAN?”

Same person?

The Patriots losing the Super Bowl is like heroin. I don’t need it all the time but it sure makes spending an afternoon with my family more enjoyable.

It’s like Alien Vs. Predator...but somehow the beasts are even uglier in this one.

SNL? Man, that show isn’t nearly as good as it was during [insert era in which I was younger, had a more positive outlook on life, and was long enough ago that my nostalgia filters out only the good memories].

So edgy! Take so hot!

I wish only Dratch and Fey did the accents. The others were atrocious. Kenan was literally doing an Australian accent.

I see Pete Davidson breaking back there

no matter who wins we all lose.

I also hope that I am well thought of in my home town even after I help murder someone and destroy evidence. For all my faults- like that time I helped murder someone and destroy evidence- I feel like I have contributed a lot of positive speeches and tackles.

The biggest obstacle of all is that we white women have to admit that we still benefit from racist patriarchal structures, which is why we’re eerily silent when it comes to issues that predominantly affect minority women. We can’t get men to admit it either so I’m not sure there’s much hope here.

Your grandma’s pressure cooker probably lacked the benefit of several decades of safety and technology innovations.

I have a sneaking feeling he was trying to do an all in one cookpot recipe. Only way you can screw things up quite that badly.

Jesus, the American people are so fucking stupid. What happens when the barley expands? IT FUCKING EXPANDS, SHARON! [How perfect that her name is Sharon!] Look at it as an electronic pressure cooker and it’s damn simple.

people are easily overwhelmed by the simplest stuff

Wait, where can I get the fucking attachment for my Kitchen Aid? I’m... intrigued.